LET YOU GO
Over the next week, Eric threw himself into his work and into the gym. He was desperate for any distraction he could get. He came at his business meetings with more aggression and authority than he was used to projecting and he hit the gym's weights with the rage of a bull, much to Terrell's surprise.
Eric hadn't wanted to tell Terrell what had happened--he hadn't wanted to talk about it at all. But when Terrell had brought up a new friend he'd met of Travis's and Beth's named Jason, Eric openly sneered and caused Terrell to question him about it.
"He's apparently the man Juliet left me for," Eric spat, immediately knowing he was wrong but angry enough not to care.
When Eric wasn't in meetings or in the gym, he was shamelessly riding by Carson Innovations on his lunch break or taking the long way home from work just to pass by her building. It didn't matter how much he'd managed to restrain himself from calling or texting her--he still couldn't get enough of her. And he knew she wouldn't voluntarily see him so he had to get his fix creatively.
Eric didn't dare tell Terrell any of that as the pair lounged on his couch, a meal of pizza and wings and beer splayed out on the coffee table in front of them. Terrell had invited him to come out and watch the game at their usual sports bar, but Eric wasn't in the mood. He gave Terrell his options: he either watched the game at Eric's place or he came by after the game to collect his money if he won. Either way, Eric wasn't coming out tonight. With little choice left, Terrell had relented and brought over a case of beer.
"Left you for him, huh?" Terrell mused with a nod. "She must be mad busy, then, 'cause she wasn't at the restaurant with him the other night when we were out with Travis and Beth."
Eric rolled his head around to glare at his best friend. "'We?' So you're a 'we' with that asshole now? So he swoops in and steals my girl and my best friend? Unbelievable."
"Jeez, Eric, stop acting like an adolescent girl, will you? Stop sitting there and blaming your problems on everyone else. You don't even know what you're talking about."
"Yeah? That's because I'm the last one to know anything. One minute, Juliet can't keep her hands off of me and the next minute she just...drops me like a bad habit. I mean, what the fuck does it take, man?"
"First of all, I can assure you, Juliet and Jason have absolutely nothing going on. Secondly, aren't you the one who said she had some shit to deal with anyway? Consider it a blessing, man. Most men can't get that lucky."
Eric stared ahead of them, seething. He knew what Terrell meant--he just didn't like the way he said it.
"She said she wanted to slow down," Eric said quietly. "Slow down. I get that. But she's completely dropped off the face of the earth. She hasn't called or texted or anything..."
"You tried her?"
"Would she respond?" Eric countered.
Terrell shook his head in defeat and turned up his beer.
"I knew it," Eric muttered.
Finally, Terrell sighed and sat his beer down on the coffee table. "Look. I like Juliet. Okay? She's a friend, she's cool, you know? But you're gonna have to get over it, man. You can't--you can't do this to yourself every time a woman--"
"Do what? What have I done? I'm not allowed to be upset? Am I supposed to just--just go out there and fuck everything that moves and say to hell with the way I feel about her?"
"Couldn't hurt," Terrell shrugged.
Eric shook his head and drained his beer. "Fuck it. Just forget I ever said anything."
"Eric. Come on, man. I wasn't trying to be an asshole."
"You're not trying to understand, either."
"Getting dumped hurts. Okay? It does. It's no picnic. Nobody wants to get cheated on or their heart broken or any of that shit. But it happens. And we have to live with it, learn from it, and move on with our lives. There is nothing to do but that. You can't sit here and mope around all day and fucking drown your sorrows in beer. It's not good for you."
"Did she ever really care?" Eric asked, ignoring Terrell's attempted pep talk.
"I can't answer that," Terrell replied solemnly. "I haven't actually spoken to her since..."
Hours later, after Eric paid what he owed Terrell for yet one more loss at his expense, the sleep he'd fought so hard to achieve was disrupted by another nightmare. It was so horrible that he was afraid to go back to sleep. Juliet was there. And she was hurting. Someone was hurting her and she screamed and she cried out Eric's name and he tried to get to her, but he couldn't. His feet felt like lead and every step he took got him absolutely nowhere. Meanwhile, she continued to cry out in agony. And he couldn't reach her to save her.
Jesus, had she been right? Was she too much for him to handle?
With that thought in mind, he stepped out of his bed and went to the bathroom to vomit.
_________________________________________
"I miss him so much," Juliet's voice came out in a near whisper to Beth that Sunday morning. "I've barely slept at all this week. Every night it's a different nightmare. Most of them are of me inflicting physical pain on him. I've stabbed him, pushed him off a cliff, lit him on fire...and every single morning I wake up and realize I've made the right decision. He's better off without me, Beth."
Beth sat next to Juliet on the couch, her bare feet tucked underneath her, swallowed up in one of Travis's hoodies, grasping a hot coffee mug between her hands. She sniffed back a sniffle and her eyes glistened as she blinked her tears away. "I wish you wouldn't do this," she replied. "I wish you wouldn't think that way. He cares so deeply for you...and you care for him. Why would you put yourself through this?"
"Because maybe--" A lump formed in Juliet's throat and she sniffed as her words became hung. "Maybe...I need help..."
"Oh, sweetie," Beth rushed, barely having time to deposit her mug on the coffee table before taking Juliet in her arms just in time for the water works to start.
Juliet sobbed uncontrollably on Beth's shoulder for several long minutes. She had never wanted to get to this point. She'd never wanted to get to the point where she had to acknowledge the fact that the things that had happened to her had actually happened and that one day they would affect her life. She wanted Eric. She wanted to be able to give herself to him completely and freely, but she didn't want to create a burden on him, either. And the only way to keep that from happening was to let him go and try to work on herself. And if he was there when she was ready then she'd run straight into his arms without ever looking back. But if he wasn't...she couldn't help but understand.
"Jules," Beth said, pulling away and taking her best friend's face in her hands. "Does that mean what I think it means? Are you--?"
Juliet nodded. "I have to. I--I need him, Beth. I want to be better for him."
"Okay," Beth nodded. "Okay. If you want, I can help you find someone."
Juliet nodded again in agreement.
"Juliet, I want you to know, I am so proud of you. Okay? I am. You are a strong woman and you are such an inspiration. I only wish I could be half as strong as you."
"Beth," Juliet whispered. "I couldn't be half of who I am without you. You're the only person in my entire life that I completely trust and can count on. Do you know that?"
"I will always be that person. Always. And I will be right here by your side, every step of the way. You will never be alone."
"Thank you," Juliet whispered. "I'm so scared."
"I know. I know and it's okay. Therapy won't be easy. But you have to remind yourself that it's to help you cope and get well. And never forget that you have people in your corner, at all times. Eric included."
"No," Juliet spat defiantly through gritted teeth. "This is my burden to bear and my nightmare to revisit. I wouldn't dare wish this on anyone, especially not him."
Beth wanted to reply, Juliet could see it in her eyes and in the way she set her jaw, but she chose not to reply at all and, instead, grabbed her cell phone and made herself more comfortable, tucking her feet underneath her. "Okay," she said as she typed in her phone. "Let's see who's good in this city..."
Juliet looked on as Beth searched her phone. She felt like she was a helpless five-year-old again in her first foster home. She was quiet and she was afraid and she had no idea what to do next. Even at five, the idea of depending on another person made her uncomfortable. And look where that ultimately ended up getting her--a lifetime of distrust and a valuable lesson in the reality of humanity and that lesson learned was that there was no humanity. Juliet lost her faith in humanity at an age where most children only saw the good and beautiful in life and didn't yet know what horrors lied beyond their manicured lawns. And that, some might argue, was the most abusive thing a child could go through.
She married the first man who thought twice about her and lied about her age just to get out of the foster care system. She'd had no idea the hell she would live in, obliviously believing that the worst was over and her time had finally come. There was no peace, no faith anywhere. Not for Juliet Carson. There was no such thing as trust and no such thing as dependency. There was only yourself. And the only person that existed on the earth that didn't apply to that rule was Beth Knight.
Juliet would lay her life in that woman's hands and never think twice about it.
Which, at this moment, seemed to be exactly what was happening. For a moment, she allowed Beth to take hold of her life, past, present, and future, and dictate who was going to fix it for her. Juliet knew she would diligently trust Beth's decision, knowing she wouldn't steer her wrong. Beth was her hero. She was a superhero.
But then...so was Eric Reynolds.
**********
Juliet spent the rest of the day after Beth left, thinking about her conversation with her and coming to terms with her admissions and her feelings and the outcome of the morning. Yes, Juliet cared about Eric. Yes, Juliet wanted Eric more than she could possibly say. And, finally, yes--Juliet wanted help. She was tired. She was so tired of repressing everything, bottling it up, and living in her own prison. All she wanted was freedom. She wanted to find herself and, hopefully, find a life with Eric with a fresh and clean slate, as a woman he deserved. They had started out all wrong, trying to build a relationship that began with the drama of her horrible past and Juliet wasn't okay with that. She already didn't want to be who she was in the first place. How could she expect Eric to put up with her? What did he even see in her, anyway?
She sighed at the question as she leafed through her closet, preparing for her Florida trip that was coming up in a couple of days. She didn't want to wonder such things. She wanted to believe that she was worth Eric's attention and his affection and she didn't want to feel like he was wasting energy on her. She supposed that was something that would be covered in therapy. How long was therapy, anyway? How long did these things take?
A thought crossed her mind that caused her to take a step back from her closet and her jaw dropped as she clutched her stomach. She would lose Eric. He was the only man she ever cared about, the only one that she felt she could truly, someday, drop her entire life and live for and...she would lose him. How long would therapy take? How long would it take for him to find another woman, one that was beautiful and trustworthy and pure? One who smiled and adored him and wasn't afraid to meet his family?
Juliet paused as she pictured Eric's future wife. She would be blonde, she was sure. And tall, with legs that went for days. Her smile would be big and bright and she would attend business functions on his arm in conservative, white Chanel, and he would relax with her because she certainly wouldn't be a business partner. She would be a housewife--who could have children--and she would raise two gorgeous blonde children while he worked and they would live happily ever after. All while Juliet remained long forgotten.
Juliet wanted to rip the bitch's hair out. She wanted to claw her eyes out and throw her off the balcony. Except that she had to remind herself that the woman didn't exist--for now.
Swallowing, she shook her head and ran her hands over it, willing the thoughts to go away. Instead, she turned her focus back on her closet and plucked a business suit and a dress from the vast selection. She laid them across her bed with the intention of dropping them off at the dry cleaners in the morning, when she heard her doorbell. Her head jerking up toward her bedroom door, her heart pounded against her chest.
__________________________________________
Eric stood at Juliet's door, his heart racing. He knew he shouldn't be here. He knew he should respect her, he should give her space, he should honor her wishes. But he couldn't help himself. He dreamed of her, he felt her, he smelled her, it drove him insane. He needed her. And it was that need that led him to where he was at this moment.
After a moment of nervous waiting, she opened the door and blinked at him in surprise. "What are you doing here?"
The sight of her nearly brought him to his knees. She was dressed simply in a sweatshirt, leggings, and socks that ran up her calves. Her hair was piled in a mess on top of her head and her face was free from even an ounce of makeup. Her natural beauty astounded him, smooth as her skin was and long as her lashes were. He preferred her without makeup, he decided. And without clothes, preferably, but that was for another day.
"I miss you."
She stammered, her beautiful lips falling slack. "I...I don't...I'm not--"
He shoved his hands in his pockets and met her eyes firmly. "I just--I wasn't aware that slowing down meant dropping off the face of the planet."
"I'm not really sure what it means," she whispered.
"Clearly," he replied, raising an eyebrow and stepping into her apartment. As he stepped in and looked around, she closed the door behind him and he turned to face her. "Juliet, you can't pretend I don't exist. I'm not gonna just go away."
"I'm not--"
"You are."
"I thought you would respect my decision?"
He could see the frustration and the struggle in her eyes and immediately he felt guilty for showing up and making demands of her like this. He just...didn't know what to do anymore. He had nowhere to direct his emotions or his frustrations. Hell, he didn't even know what his emotions and frustrations were anymore. But she seemed to be all he knew to turn to. She was the only one who held the answers he desperately sought.
"I respect slowing down. I do not respect a complete vanishing act."
"Sometimes I wish I could disappear," she replied in a small voice, her eyes casting downward.
"Yeah? Sometimes I wish you would just talk to me instead of running." Then he paused and he shook his head. "See? You do this. Y-you say all this cryptic shit all the time but you never do anything about it. You run away from me, you hardly leave your apartment, you won't talk to anyone. When we're together you tell me how happy you are and now you're...you're not? I mean, how are you not seeing the connection here?"
"It's not that simple--"
"You know what's not simple?" He asked, his voice rising. "Being without you. I'm a grown fucking man and I have to resort to...to standing across the street from your building just to catch a glimpse of you coming out the door just so I can see you. And we've shared a bed, Juliet. Do you know how...how pathetic and...and fucking demeaning that is?"
Suddenly, her eyes filled with rage and her fists balled up as she crossed her arms haughtily in front of her chest. In an instant, he knew he'd said too much and now he regretted it. "Are you--? Are you stalking me again? Why are you constantly stalking me? Is this some kind of weird fetish or something?"
He ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head. "I shouldn't have come here--"
"Maybe you should have just stood across the street and waited for me to go to the market."
Finally, he'd had enough and he released his hands from his pockets to relent them into the air. "Tell me what you want, Juliet! That's all I ask, please. Just open your mouth and--and talk. You've had no problem doing it before. What's the problem now?"
"Because I--um...because I--"
"Because you what?"
"Because, um...because I think I...um--"
"Jules," he pressed gently. His heart pounded all over again now with the anticipation of the words that he knew were on the tip of her tongue. Say it, Juliet. Please say it.
"I don't...I don't know how."
And with that, his heart hit the floor. He took a step backwards as his face fell. Then he pressed his lips together and stared back at her. "I figured as much."
He stepped forward again, drawn to her by a force of nature he knew he would never be able to explain. A force of nature that he lived to feel the rush of every time he was in her presence. He couldn't stop his hand as he reached forward to sweep his thumb gently along her jaw, the feel of her skin turning his entire body into a mass of nothingness. He floated on air as he pulled her gently toward him and pressed his lips softly against hers. His eyes fluttered closed, surrendering himself to the electricity that jolted through his veins and deepening the kiss.
To his surprise, she responded almost immediately. Snaking her arms around his neck, her nails scraped up the back of his neck and into his scalp, causing a moan of pleasure to escape his throat and shivers to run violently down his spine. Her entire body trembled in his arms as she lightly whimpered with want into his mouth and he held her tighter against his body. He didn't want to let her go. He didn't want to ever let her go.
Breaking the kiss, Juliet pulled her head away, her face only mere inches from his, and she looked up into his eyes. Her shaking hand caressed his jaw and her eyes darted back and forth into his. "Your kiss is everything," she whispered, her voice wavering. "Did you know that? Did I ever tell you that? I'm so addicted, Eric, it's everything."
He knew he should be on his guard. He knew that this wasn't it, that once and for all, she would finally give herself to him completely. He knew this wasn't his moment. But he couldn't help but to touch her lips again with his, brushing them against hers in a light kiss. The pain his heart felt caused him to close his eyes and rest his forehead against hers.
"My heart..." he whispered, pausing to swallow the lump that was rising quickly in his throat. "My heart...beats for you, Juliet. I've waited my entire life to feel my heart beat this way and it has since the moment I first laid eyes on you. And now...now it rips me apart to have to stand here and say goodbye to you. To let you go--"
"Then don't," she whispered desperately, the tears filling her eyes. "Don't let me go! Don't say goodbye--!"
He opened his eyes and he studied her face. Her beautiful face, crimson with stress and full of pain and confusion. He hated this moment, but he finally felt like he was at a loss. He just couldn't win. "I don't know what else you want me to do."
Suddenly, seemingly faster than Eric could blink his eyes, Juliet ripped herself way from him and slapped him across the face. He barely had time to register the shock and the stinging before she was raising her voice in anger. "I want you to understand! I want you to-to stop being selfish and making it all about what you want for five seconds! What about me? What about my pain? How am I supposed to support you and be the person you need me to be when I can't even be those things to myself? I need help, Eric. Real help!" She paused for a moment to catch her breath, her eyes searching, her voice cracking. "Beth found me a therapist today. I'm making an appointment for next week, after I come home from my business trip."
The emotion nearly spilled out of Eric's body and the happiness nearly killed him. "Baby," he smiled weakly. "I'm so proud of you." Then his voice softened. "Juliet. Let me be there for you. Please. Please, Jules. I just want to hold you when it gets rough, I want you to surrender your pain to me when you can't take it anymore--"
"What about when you can't take it anymore, Eric? Huh? You want me to surrender my pain to you? You want my hell and my horror? Like the times when I was a kindergartner and I was locked in a dark closet from the time I got home from school until way past bedtime, lucky to get thrown a few scraps? How about all the times I was dragged around by my hair and beaten black and blue for simply making a sound? How about all the days I starved, all the school I missed, all the horrible secrets I had to keep from the social workers?" Juliet stopped and sucked in a heaving breath. "I used to watch the other little girls get picked up from school and wonder what they went home to. I bet they had parents who hugged them. I bet their beds had blankets and I bet they never lived in fear of what awaited them when they got home." Then she raised her chin defiantly, clearing her throat, willing the tears away. "Will that make you happy? Is that what you want? Because those are the types of things I'll be telling my therapist!"
Eric felt the heat in his face, the flaring of his nostrils, and the rage caused by the breaking of his heart. He was ready to go to battle. He was ready to battle, conquer, and slay it all--every enemy he could find, every single person that played a part in putting her through this. How was she living with it? How was she functioning? How?
Sensing his reaction, Juliet took a step backward and nodded her head. "That's what I thought. It's too much for you. You wouldn't even know what to do with half of the more mild experiences I could share with you because you grew up in a world where you probably never knew that such horrors existed. We're different, Eric. We are two very different people. But you've made me feel things I never knew could be felt in this...in this entire world, and I care about you too much to subject you to...to me. Okay? You don't need this. So, please. Please, Eric, I'm begging you. Respect my decision. Let me do this."
He ran a hand through his hair, sniffing the tears away and clearing his throat. "I'll wait for you," he said quietly.
"I can't ask you to--"
"No," he shot harshly. "I will wait for you, I don't care how long it takes. I'll be here, all hours of the night, all hours of the day. If you never talk to me again, I'm here. If you need to call me twenty-four seven and talk my ear off, I'm here. You'll never be alone, Juliet. Know that. Always know that."
"I want to come back to you," she whispered. "I know it's unfair to expect you to waste your time waiting--"
"It's not a waste."
"--but I don't want you to think that I don't want you, not even for a second. I do want you. I crave you every single day, I crave your voice and your touch and your smile...but I have to take care of me. I have to. I want to be a better me and I want to be good for you."
Eric closed the gap and took her face in his hands. "You're already good for me. That's the part you're not understanding."
"But I don't love myself. I don't even like myself. And I have to be comfortable with me before I can give myself to someone else. Please understand me."
"Juliet," he whispered, his eyes searching hers. He took a deep breath to ward off the emotion in his throat. "Juliet Carson, I told you I was all in and I meant it. I am. And if that includes letting you go to do what you have to do, I'll do it. And when you're ready, I'll be right here with open arms. You understand me? You're worth it, Juliet. You are worth it. If you ever find yourself questioning how I feel about you, always remember that."
She looked up at him, her breath catching in her throat before the tears finally spilled from her eyes. He brushed his lips across her cheek and then he pulled her into his shoulder, letting her sob silently as he stroked her hair. He'd meant every word he'd said to her and more. She was worth it. And if she had to separate herself from him in order to make herself happy, he didn't have a choice but to accept it. In the meantime, he would work on himself, too. And he would be strong and he would be confident and he would be everything she ever needed to the point where she never felt like she needed to leave him again. He would be everything to her and more. She would see. He would show her.
Finally, when her weeping had subsided, she pulled away and wiped her eyes with her sleeves. Resting his hands on her shoulders, he bent his head down and looked into her eyes. "You know where I am. I'm not unreachable. If you need me for anything, anything at all, don't hesitate. If you need to talk, if you run out of cigarettes..." He smiled when she managed to crack her own. "Anything, I'll come running. Okay? But I'll respect your wishes. I'll honor your requests, I'll keep my distance. You can trust me. And I won't stalk you anymore, I promise."
This garnered a light giggle which widened Eric's smile, painful as it felt to do so. It was difficult, walking out of her apartment that evening. His feet felt like lead, walking down the hallway. Walking out the door of her building was a punch in the gut. Driving away was like a piece of him dying. He white-knuckled his steering wheel as a violent wave of emotions overcame him all at once and the battle within himself was a bloody one. What he wanted to do was drive straight to the bar and drink his sorrows away. But he reminded himself that he'd made a silent vow as he held her in his arms that he would be strong and he would be confident and he would be a man. Her man. Once and for all, it was time to grow up.
When he unlocked his apartment door, he let out a breath, fighting to forget the memories of dinner with her in the kitchen, tripping over her panties in his bathroom, curling up on the couch with her to watch TV, and the way it felt to hold her close to him in his bed. He almost didn't want to sleep in his bed anymore. He almost entertained the idea of making a new bedroom out of one of the guest rooms. But he nixed that idea after brushing his teeth and pulling on his sweatpants. Upon eyeing the drapes that covered his bedroom wall, he marched across the room, jerked them open as fast as he could, turned out his lights, and crawled into his bed.
Please, sleep. Please, sleep, come. And please be dreamless.
Over the next week, Eric threw himself into his work and into the gym. He was desperate for any distraction he could get. He came at his business meetings with more aggression and authority than he was used to projecting and he hit the gym's weights with the rage of a bull, much to Terrell's surprise.
Eric hadn't wanted to tell Terrell what had happened--he hadn't wanted to talk about it at all. But when Terrell had brought up a new friend he'd met of Travis's and Beth's named Jason, Eric openly sneered and caused Terrell to question him about it.
"He's apparently the man Juliet left me for," Eric spat, immediately knowing he was wrong but angry enough not to care.
When Eric wasn't in meetings or in the gym, he was shamelessly riding by Carson Innovations on his lunch break or taking the long way home from work just to pass by her building. It didn't matter how much he'd managed to restrain himself from calling or texting her--he still couldn't get enough of her. And he knew she wouldn't voluntarily see him so he had to get his fix creatively.
Eric didn't dare tell Terrell any of that as the pair lounged on his couch, a meal of pizza and wings and beer splayed out on the coffee table in front of them. Terrell had invited him to come out and watch the game at their usual sports bar, but Eric wasn't in the mood. He gave Terrell his options: he either watched the game at Eric's place or he came by after the game to collect his money if he won. Either way, Eric wasn't coming out tonight. With little choice left, Terrell had relented and brought over a case of beer.
"Left you for him, huh?" Terrell mused with a nod. "She must be mad busy, then, 'cause she wasn't at the restaurant with him the other night when we were out with Travis and Beth."
Eric rolled his head around to glare at his best friend. "'We?' So you're a 'we' with that asshole now? So he swoops in and steals my girl and my best friend? Unbelievable."
"Jeez, Eric, stop acting like an adolescent girl, will you? Stop sitting there and blaming your problems on everyone else. You don't even know what you're talking about."
"Yeah? That's because I'm the last one to know anything. One minute, Juliet can't keep her hands off of me and the next minute she just...drops me like a bad habit. I mean, what the fuck does it take, man?"
"First of all, I can assure you, Juliet and Jason have absolutely nothing going on. Secondly, aren't you the one who said she had some shit to deal with anyway? Consider it a blessing, man. Most men can't get that lucky."
Eric stared ahead of them, seething. He knew what Terrell meant--he just didn't like the way he said it.
"She said she wanted to slow down," Eric said quietly. "Slow down. I get that. But she's completely dropped off the face of the earth. She hasn't called or texted or anything..."
"You tried her?"
"Would she respond?" Eric countered.
Terrell shook his head in defeat and turned up his beer.
"I knew it," Eric muttered.
Finally, Terrell sighed and sat his beer down on the coffee table. "Look. I like Juliet. Okay? She's a friend, she's cool, you know? But you're gonna have to get over it, man. You can't--you can't do this to yourself every time a woman--"
"Do what? What have I done? I'm not allowed to be upset? Am I supposed to just--just go out there and fuck everything that moves and say to hell with the way I feel about her?"
"Couldn't hurt," Terrell shrugged.
Eric shook his head and drained his beer. "Fuck it. Just forget I ever said anything."
"Eric. Come on, man. I wasn't trying to be an asshole."
"You're not trying to understand, either."
"Getting dumped hurts. Okay? It does. It's no picnic. Nobody wants to get cheated on or their heart broken or any of that shit. But it happens. And we have to live with it, learn from it, and move on with our lives. There is nothing to do but that. You can't sit here and mope around all day and fucking drown your sorrows in beer. It's not good for you."
"Did she ever really care?" Eric asked, ignoring Terrell's attempted pep talk.
"I can't answer that," Terrell replied solemnly. "I haven't actually spoken to her since..."
Hours later, after Eric paid what he owed Terrell for yet one more loss at his expense, the sleep he'd fought so hard to achieve was disrupted by another nightmare. It was so horrible that he was afraid to go back to sleep. Juliet was there. And she was hurting. Someone was hurting her and she screamed and she cried out Eric's name and he tried to get to her, but he couldn't. His feet felt like lead and every step he took got him absolutely nowhere. Meanwhile, she continued to cry out in agony. And he couldn't reach her to save her.
Jesus, had she been right? Was she too much for him to handle?
With that thought in mind, he stepped out of his bed and went to the bathroom to vomit.
_________________________________________
"I miss him so much," Juliet's voice came out in a near whisper to Beth that Sunday morning. "I've barely slept at all this week. Every night it's a different nightmare. Most of them are of me inflicting physical pain on him. I've stabbed him, pushed him off a cliff, lit him on fire...and every single morning I wake up and realize I've made the right decision. He's better off without me, Beth."
Beth sat next to Juliet on the couch, her bare feet tucked underneath her, swallowed up in one of Travis's hoodies, grasping a hot coffee mug between her hands. She sniffed back a sniffle and her eyes glistened as she blinked her tears away. "I wish you wouldn't do this," she replied. "I wish you wouldn't think that way. He cares so deeply for you...and you care for him. Why would you put yourself through this?"
"Because maybe--" A lump formed in Juliet's throat and she sniffed as her words became hung. "Maybe...I need help..."
"Oh, sweetie," Beth rushed, barely having time to deposit her mug on the coffee table before taking Juliet in her arms just in time for the water works to start.
Juliet sobbed uncontrollably on Beth's shoulder for several long minutes. She had never wanted to get to this point. She'd never wanted to get to the point where she had to acknowledge the fact that the things that had happened to her had actually happened and that one day they would affect her life. She wanted Eric. She wanted to be able to give herself to him completely and freely, but she didn't want to create a burden on him, either. And the only way to keep that from happening was to let him go and try to work on herself. And if he was there when she was ready then she'd run straight into his arms without ever looking back. But if he wasn't...she couldn't help but understand.
"Jules," Beth said, pulling away and taking her best friend's face in her hands. "Does that mean what I think it means? Are you--?"
Juliet nodded. "I have to. I--I need him, Beth. I want to be better for him."
"Okay," Beth nodded. "Okay. If you want, I can help you find someone."
Juliet nodded again in agreement.
"Juliet, I want you to know, I am so proud of you. Okay? I am. You are a strong woman and you are such an inspiration. I only wish I could be half as strong as you."
"Beth," Juliet whispered. "I couldn't be half of who I am without you. You're the only person in my entire life that I completely trust and can count on. Do you know that?"
"I will always be that person. Always. And I will be right here by your side, every step of the way. You will never be alone."
"Thank you," Juliet whispered. "I'm so scared."
"I know. I know and it's okay. Therapy won't be easy. But you have to remind yourself that it's to help you cope and get well. And never forget that you have people in your corner, at all times. Eric included."
"No," Juliet spat defiantly through gritted teeth. "This is my burden to bear and my nightmare to revisit. I wouldn't dare wish this on anyone, especially not him."
Beth wanted to reply, Juliet could see it in her eyes and in the way she set her jaw, but she chose not to reply at all and, instead, grabbed her cell phone and made herself more comfortable, tucking her feet underneath her. "Okay," she said as she typed in her phone. "Let's see who's good in this city..."
Juliet looked on as Beth searched her phone. She felt like she was a helpless five-year-old again in her first foster home. She was quiet and she was afraid and she had no idea what to do next. Even at five, the idea of depending on another person made her uncomfortable. And look where that ultimately ended up getting her--a lifetime of distrust and a valuable lesson in the reality of humanity and that lesson learned was that there was no humanity. Juliet lost her faith in humanity at an age where most children only saw the good and beautiful in life and didn't yet know what horrors lied beyond their manicured lawns. And that, some might argue, was the most abusive thing a child could go through.
She married the first man who thought twice about her and lied about her age just to get out of the foster care system. She'd had no idea the hell she would live in, obliviously believing that the worst was over and her time had finally come. There was no peace, no faith anywhere. Not for Juliet Carson. There was no such thing as trust and no such thing as dependency. There was only yourself. And the only person that existed on the earth that didn't apply to that rule was Beth Knight.
Juliet would lay her life in that woman's hands and never think twice about it.
Which, at this moment, seemed to be exactly what was happening. For a moment, she allowed Beth to take hold of her life, past, present, and future, and dictate who was going to fix it for her. Juliet knew she would diligently trust Beth's decision, knowing she wouldn't steer her wrong. Beth was her hero. She was a superhero.
But then...so was Eric Reynolds.
**********
Juliet spent the rest of the day after Beth left, thinking about her conversation with her and coming to terms with her admissions and her feelings and the outcome of the morning. Yes, Juliet cared about Eric. Yes, Juliet wanted Eric more than she could possibly say. And, finally, yes--Juliet wanted help. She was tired. She was so tired of repressing everything, bottling it up, and living in her own prison. All she wanted was freedom. She wanted to find herself and, hopefully, find a life with Eric with a fresh and clean slate, as a woman he deserved. They had started out all wrong, trying to build a relationship that began with the drama of her horrible past and Juliet wasn't okay with that. She already didn't want to be who she was in the first place. How could she expect Eric to put up with her? What did he even see in her, anyway?
She sighed at the question as she leafed through her closet, preparing for her Florida trip that was coming up in a couple of days. She didn't want to wonder such things. She wanted to believe that she was worth Eric's attention and his affection and she didn't want to feel like he was wasting energy on her. She supposed that was something that would be covered in therapy. How long was therapy, anyway? How long did these things take?
A thought crossed her mind that caused her to take a step back from her closet and her jaw dropped as she clutched her stomach. She would lose Eric. He was the only man she ever cared about, the only one that she felt she could truly, someday, drop her entire life and live for and...she would lose him. How long would therapy take? How long would it take for him to find another woman, one that was beautiful and trustworthy and pure? One who smiled and adored him and wasn't afraid to meet his family?
Juliet paused as she pictured Eric's future wife. She would be blonde, she was sure. And tall, with legs that went for days. Her smile would be big and bright and she would attend business functions on his arm in conservative, white Chanel, and he would relax with her because she certainly wouldn't be a business partner. She would be a housewife--who could have children--and she would raise two gorgeous blonde children while he worked and they would live happily ever after. All while Juliet remained long forgotten.
Juliet wanted to rip the bitch's hair out. She wanted to claw her eyes out and throw her off the balcony. Except that she had to remind herself that the woman didn't exist--for now.
Swallowing, she shook her head and ran her hands over it, willing the thoughts to go away. Instead, she turned her focus back on her closet and plucked a business suit and a dress from the vast selection. She laid them across her bed with the intention of dropping them off at the dry cleaners in the morning, when she heard her doorbell. Her head jerking up toward her bedroom door, her heart pounded against her chest.
__________________________________________
Eric stood at Juliet's door, his heart racing. He knew he shouldn't be here. He knew he should respect her, he should give her space, he should honor her wishes. But he couldn't help himself. He dreamed of her, he felt her, he smelled her, it drove him insane. He needed her. And it was that need that led him to where he was at this moment.
After a moment of nervous waiting, she opened the door and blinked at him in surprise. "What are you doing here?"
The sight of her nearly brought him to his knees. She was dressed simply in a sweatshirt, leggings, and socks that ran up her calves. Her hair was piled in a mess on top of her head and her face was free from even an ounce of makeup. Her natural beauty astounded him, smooth as her skin was and long as her lashes were. He preferred her without makeup, he decided. And without clothes, preferably, but that was for another day.
"I miss you."
She stammered, her beautiful lips falling slack. "I...I don't...I'm not--"
He shoved his hands in his pockets and met her eyes firmly. "I just--I wasn't aware that slowing down meant dropping off the face of the planet."
"I'm not really sure what it means," she whispered.
"Clearly," he replied, raising an eyebrow and stepping into her apartment. As he stepped in and looked around, she closed the door behind him and he turned to face her. "Juliet, you can't pretend I don't exist. I'm not gonna just go away."
"I'm not--"
"You are."
"I thought you would respect my decision?"
He could see the frustration and the struggle in her eyes and immediately he felt guilty for showing up and making demands of her like this. He just...didn't know what to do anymore. He had nowhere to direct his emotions or his frustrations. Hell, he didn't even know what his emotions and frustrations were anymore. But she seemed to be all he knew to turn to. She was the only one who held the answers he desperately sought.
"I respect slowing down. I do not respect a complete vanishing act."
"Sometimes I wish I could disappear," she replied in a small voice, her eyes casting downward.
"Yeah? Sometimes I wish you would just talk to me instead of running." Then he paused and he shook his head. "See? You do this. Y-you say all this cryptic shit all the time but you never do anything about it. You run away from me, you hardly leave your apartment, you won't talk to anyone. When we're together you tell me how happy you are and now you're...you're not? I mean, how are you not seeing the connection here?"
"It's not that simple--"
"You know what's not simple?" He asked, his voice rising. "Being without you. I'm a grown fucking man and I have to resort to...to standing across the street from your building just to catch a glimpse of you coming out the door just so I can see you. And we've shared a bed, Juliet. Do you know how...how pathetic and...and fucking demeaning that is?"
Suddenly, her eyes filled with rage and her fists balled up as she crossed her arms haughtily in front of her chest. In an instant, he knew he'd said too much and now he regretted it. "Are you--? Are you stalking me again? Why are you constantly stalking me? Is this some kind of weird fetish or something?"
He ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head. "I shouldn't have come here--"
"Maybe you should have just stood across the street and waited for me to go to the market."
Finally, he'd had enough and he released his hands from his pockets to relent them into the air. "Tell me what you want, Juliet! That's all I ask, please. Just open your mouth and--and talk. You've had no problem doing it before. What's the problem now?"
"Because I--um...because I--"
"Because you what?"
"Because, um...because I think I...um--"
"Jules," he pressed gently. His heart pounded all over again now with the anticipation of the words that he knew were on the tip of her tongue. Say it, Juliet. Please say it.
"I don't...I don't know how."
And with that, his heart hit the floor. He took a step backwards as his face fell. Then he pressed his lips together and stared back at her. "I figured as much."
He stepped forward again, drawn to her by a force of nature he knew he would never be able to explain. A force of nature that he lived to feel the rush of every time he was in her presence. He couldn't stop his hand as he reached forward to sweep his thumb gently along her jaw, the feel of her skin turning his entire body into a mass of nothingness. He floated on air as he pulled her gently toward him and pressed his lips softly against hers. His eyes fluttered closed, surrendering himself to the electricity that jolted through his veins and deepening the kiss.
To his surprise, she responded almost immediately. Snaking her arms around his neck, her nails scraped up the back of his neck and into his scalp, causing a moan of pleasure to escape his throat and shivers to run violently down his spine. Her entire body trembled in his arms as she lightly whimpered with want into his mouth and he held her tighter against his body. He didn't want to let her go. He didn't want to ever let her go.
Breaking the kiss, Juliet pulled her head away, her face only mere inches from his, and she looked up into his eyes. Her shaking hand caressed his jaw and her eyes darted back and forth into his. "Your kiss is everything," she whispered, her voice wavering. "Did you know that? Did I ever tell you that? I'm so addicted, Eric, it's everything."
He knew he should be on his guard. He knew that this wasn't it, that once and for all, she would finally give herself to him completely. He knew this wasn't his moment. But he couldn't help but to touch her lips again with his, brushing them against hers in a light kiss. The pain his heart felt caused him to close his eyes and rest his forehead against hers.
"My heart..." he whispered, pausing to swallow the lump that was rising quickly in his throat. "My heart...beats for you, Juliet. I've waited my entire life to feel my heart beat this way and it has since the moment I first laid eyes on you. And now...now it rips me apart to have to stand here and say goodbye to you. To let you go--"
"Then don't," she whispered desperately, the tears filling her eyes. "Don't let me go! Don't say goodbye--!"
He opened his eyes and he studied her face. Her beautiful face, crimson with stress and full of pain and confusion. He hated this moment, but he finally felt like he was at a loss. He just couldn't win. "I don't know what else you want me to do."
Suddenly, seemingly faster than Eric could blink his eyes, Juliet ripped herself way from him and slapped him across the face. He barely had time to register the shock and the stinging before she was raising her voice in anger. "I want you to understand! I want you to-to stop being selfish and making it all about what you want for five seconds! What about me? What about my pain? How am I supposed to support you and be the person you need me to be when I can't even be those things to myself? I need help, Eric. Real help!" She paused for a moment to catch her breath, her eyes searching, her voice cracking. "Beth found me a therapist today. I'm making an appointment for next week, after I come home from my business trip."
The emotion nearly spilled out of Eric's body and the happiness nearly killed him. "Baby," he smiled weakly. "I'm so proud of you." Then his voice softened. "Juliet. Let me be there for you. Please. Please, Jules. I just want to hold you when it gets rough, I want you to surrender your pain to me when you can't take it anymore--"
"What about when you can't take it anymore, Eric? Huh? You want me to surrender my pain to you? You want my hell and my horror? Like the times when I was a kindergartner and I was locked in a dark closet from the time I got home from school until way past bedtime, lucky to get thrown a few scraps? How about all the times I was dragged around by my hair and beaten black and blue for simply making a sound? How about all the days I starved, all the school I missed, all the horrible secrets I had to keep from the social workers?" Juliet stopped and sucked in a heaving breath. "I used to watch the other little girls get picked up from school and wonder what they went home to. I bet they had parents who hugged them. I bet their beds had blankets and I bet they never lived in fear of what awaited them when they got home." Then she raised her chin defiantly, clearing her throat, willing the tears away. "Will that make you happy? Is that what you want? Because those are the types of things I'll be telling my therapist!"
Eric felt the heat in his face, the flaring of his nostrils, and the rage caused by the breaking of his heart. He was ready to go to battle. He was ready to battle, conquer, and slay it all--every enemy he could find, every single person that played a part in putting her through this. How was she living with it? How was she functioning? How?
Sensing his reaction, Juliet took a step backward and nodded her head. "That's what I thought. It's too much for you. You wouldn't even know what to do with half of the more mild experiences I could share with you because you grew up in a world where you probably never knew that such horrors existed. We're different, Eric. We are two very different people. But you've made me feel things I never knew could be felt in this...in this entire world, and I care about you too much to subject you to...to me. Okay? You don't need this. So, please. Please, Eric, I'm begging you. Respect my decision. Let me do this."
He ran a hand through his hair, sniffing the tears away and clearing his throat. "I'll wait for you," he said quietly.
"I can't ask you to--"
"No," he shot harshly. "I will wait for you, I don't care how long it takes. I'll be here, all hours of the night, all hours of the day. If you never talk to me again, I'm here. If you need to call me twenty-four seven and talk my ear off, I'm here. You'll never be alone, Juliet. Know that. Always know that."
"I want to come back to you," she whispered. "I know it's unfair to expect you to waste your time waiting--"
"It's not a waste."
"--but I don't want you to think that I don't want you, not even for a second. I do want you. I crave you every single day, I crave your voice and your touch and your smile...but I have to take care of me. I have to. I want to be a better me and I want to be good for you."
Eric closed the gap and took her face in his hands. "You're already good for me. That's the part you're not understanding."
"But I don't love myself. I don't even like myself. And I have to be comfortable with me before I can give myself to someone else. Please understand me."
"Juliet," he whispered, his eyes searching hers. He took a deep breath to ward off the emotion in his throat. "Juliet Carson, I told you I was all in and I meant it. I am. And if that includes letting you go to do what you have to do, I'll do it. And when you're ready, I'll be right here with open arms. You understand me? You're worth it, Juliet. You are worth it. If you ever find yourself questioning how I feel about you, always remember that."
She looked up at him, her breath catching in her throat before the tears finally spilled from her eyes. He brushed his lips across her cheek and then he pulled her into his shoulder, letting her sob silently as he stroked her hair. He'd meant every word he'd said to her and more. She was worth it. And if she had to separate herself from him in order to make herself happy, he didn't have a choice but to accept it. In the meantime, he would work on himself, too. And he would be strong and he would be confident and he would be everything she ever needed to the point where she never felt like she needed to leave him again. He would be everything to her and more. She would see. He would show her.
Finally, when her weeping had subsided, she pulled away and wiped her eyes with her sleeves. Resting his hands on her shoulders, he bent his head down and looked into her eyes. "You know where I am. I'm not unreachable. If you need me for anything, anything at all, don't hesitate. If you need to talk, if you run out of cigarettes..." He smiled when she managed to crack her own. "Anything, I'll come running. Okay? But I'll respect your wishes. I'll honor your requests, I'll keep my distance. You can trust me. And I won't stalk you anymore, I promise."
This garnered a light giggle which widened Eric's smile, painful as it felt to do so. It was difficult, walking out of her apartment that evening. His feet felt like lead, walking down the hallway. Walking out the door of her building was a punch in the gut. Driving away was like a piece of him dying. He white-knuckled his steering wheel as a violent wave of emotions overcame him all at once and the battle within himself was a bloody one. What he wanted to do was drive straight to the bar and drink his sorrows away. But he reminded himself that he'd made a silent vow as he held her in his arms that he would be strong and he would be confident and he would be a man. Her man. Once and for all, it was time to grow up.
When he unlocked his apartment door, he let out a breath, fighting to forget the memories of dinner with her in the kitchen, tripping over her panties in his bathroom, curling up on the couch with her to watch TV, and the way it felt to hold her close to him in his bed. He almost didn't want to sleep in his bed anymore. He almost entertained the idea of making a new bedroom out of one of the guest rooms. But he nixed that idea after brushing his teeth and pulling on his sweatpants. Upon eyeing the drapes that covered his bedroom wall, he marched across the room, jerked them open as fast as he could, turned out his lights, and crawled into his bed.
Please, sleep. Please, sleep, come. And please be dreamless.