RED WINE
The penthouse was quiet. It was finally quiet. Beth's family had been the last to leave and they'd only just left less than half an hour ago. Her mother had insisted on helping her clean the kitchen, much to Beth's objection, but if she was honest with herself, she couldn't deny that she appreciated the help. She was both physically and mentally exhausted and she couldn't wait to sleep until Monday morning.
Now the kitchen was nearly clean. It was dark, save for the light over the sink and the city lights that shone through the windows of the dining room as part of the open floor plan. Beth decided that this was her favorite part of the penthouse--leaning against the bar, sipping her wine, and gazing through the windows and into the night sky. She could do this every night. Make a routine of it before bed.
But that required moving in. And after today...well, she wasn't quite sure it was time for moving in just yet.
The day had gone well. It was one of the best Thanksgivings she'd ever spent. The fact that she'd actually been able to pull it off still blew her mind. Travis was already talking about next year and she was still eying this year's leftover pie that sat on the counter behind her. She couldn't even fathom next year. At this rate, she wasn't even sure she could fathom next week.
She let out a sigh as she sipped her wine, uneasiness tugging at her heartstrings. Ever since they'd gotten into their small tiff over Eric and Juliet, there'd been tension between her and Travis. They'd done well not to let their guests know it, but it was definitely in the air. Since the penthouse had been empty half an hour ago, they hadn't said two words to each other. Could she do this? Could she be with a man who held such resentment toward her best friend for something that wasn't his business?
Sure, he didn't know about Juliet. He didn't know why she was the way she was. But Beth didn't tell him because only two people in the entire world did know and she didn't want to betray her best friend's trust. She figured if Juliet wanted anyone else to know, she'd say so. Beth felt strongly for Travis and she had no qualms telling him every in and out of her entire life--but it wasn't her place to share someone else's business. Not someone's business who'd been through what Juliet had been through, not someone who had such difficulty trusting people. When Travis finally did learn the truth, he would likely be upset that Beth had kept him in the dark, but that was a bridge she would have to cross when she got there. For now, she understood that he was loyal to his twin brother--but he needed to learn when to let go and let Eric be his own man, too.
At this, Beth frowned when she remembered the pained look on Eric's face as he watched his brother and sister-in-law trail out the door behind his parents as they left to go to the theatre. Andy and Caroline had been much too thrilled at the tickets they were offered, Eric never letting on that the tickets were meant for him and a date that had broken his heart. Her heart went out to him as much as it went out to Juliet. She cared about both of them very much and it tore her apart how happy she knew they were together--and how one of them was too stubborn to see it and the other just stood there and rolled with the punches.
As if on cue, the penthouse's doorbell rang and it took a second for it to register, as the place was empty save for Travis who was...wherever he was. Wherever he was, though, he wasn't far from the door because she saw his blonde hair bound across the foyer beyond the kitchen and toward the door. A moment later, to Beth's surprise, Juliet walked in, a covered plate occupying her hands.
She looked like a train wreck. Her thick, dark hair was piled on top of her head and was disheveled with strands running wild all over the place. She was clearly as exhausted as Beth was, with her smudged makeup and the circles under her eyes, and her shoulders slumped as if she could collapse at any moment. Instead of collapsing, though, she winced at Beth and shrugged a shoulder. "I'm sorry I'm late. I'm--I'm sorry I missed your first Thanksgiving."
It took nothing for Beth to break down into a fit of tears. Sitting her glass down, she padded her bare feet quickly around the bar, took the plate from Juliet, and wrapped her arms around her best friend's neck and wept on her shoulder. Within seconds, Juliet followed suit, and the two women took their comfort in each other.
"I'm so sorry," Juliet hiccupped amidst her muffled sobs. "I should have been here."
Finally, Beth sniffed back her tears and pulled away, wiping her face and shaking her head. "No. Don't apologize. You were where you wanted to be."
"I wanted to be here--"
"No. You don't ever apologize for that. You apologize if you choose to spend the holiday alone or if you ditch me for some other crazy woman's family. But don't you ever apologize for being over at that orphanage. You understand me? If anything, I should have been there with you."
"Beth..."
"I'm so tired," Beth whispered.
"Me, too."
"Sit down," she motioned to a bar stood, inviting Juliet to sit. "Have a glass of wine."
"You don't know how desperately I need it," Juliet laughed.
"Believe me, I'm sure I do."
Behind the counter, Beth drained the bottle Eric had brought and passed Juliet the glass across the bar. Then she picked up her own glass and traded a silent toast with Juliet.
Juliet smiled as she turned her glass up. "Mmm, my favorite. God, that's so good."
"Eric brought it," Beth murmured.
Beth thought Juliet might choke, but she managed to keep it together. "But I never...I've never had red wine with him. Only white."
"Coincidence," Beth shrugged. "Or as I prefer to call it, a sign."
Juliet's face fell and she gently deposited her glass onto the counter. "He expected me to be here, didn't he?"
"Why didn't you tell him what you do on the holidays?"
"I don't know," Juliet murmured. "It wasn't...I mean we're not together anymore, so..."
"He saw you, you know," Beth said gently. "The parade caused him to have to detour and he passed the home on the way here. He saw you outside. He knows."
"Was he hurt?"
Beth squinted her eyes in thought. "I think...once he realized the reason for your absence he wasn't upset. I think he was more upset by the fact that you didn't share it with him. Jules, I wholeheartedly believe that if he knew about it, he would have been right there beside you, serving up mashed potatoes in the most hideous apron they could find."
With that, Juliet allowed the corners of her mouth to turn up as she turned up her wine glass again. "We could have used his help, that's for sure. The kids really outdid themselves today. Every last one of them was as rambunctious as they could get. I think next year all the desserts will be sugar-free."
Beth giggled for a moment before both women turned serious again. "At the table, when his turn came, he said he was thankful for you."
Beth thought she could practically hear Juliet's breath catching in her throat as her face turned red and she blinked. "What?"
"He didn't say your name, but it didn't take a rocket scientist to know who he was referring to. He said he was thankful that he had someone in his life who believes in humanity and who makes self-sacrifices to brighten someone's day. I knew he was talking about you. I'm sure Travis and Terrell picked up on it pretty quickly, too."
Juliet's face filled with shame with every word Beth said. "Beth," she whispered. "I start therapy tomorrow. I told Eric I needed time to get myself together so I could be a better person for him. We agreed to hold off, isn't--I mean, don't I have that right?"
"Of course you do."
"I feel so much pressure. I'm afraid that--that if I commit to him now that I'll fuck things up so much more than I already have. I don't even like to be alone with myself half the time, Beth. And then I have to...to what, give him a piece of myself that I'm not even sure exists? How is that fair to him? Why doesn't he see that?"
"Because sometimes love is blind," Beth said. "Real, raw, true love is blind. Eric is ready to walk barefoot through fire for you at any given moment, don't you see that? He wants you for who you already are, he's willing to take the good with the bad. I'm going to say this one last time and then I'll leave you alone about it, but I really think that you should let him take this journey with you. We both know you already want to commit to him. Depriving yourself is only making it worse on you, can't you see that?"
"No," Juliet deadpanned. "What's making it worse is the fact that I haven't dealt with this shit, yet, and I don't want him caught in the crosshairs again. He's innocent, he doesn't deserve any of my bullshit--"
"I think it's kind of funny that the second he's plopped down on this earth right in front of your face is the time when you've finally decided that you want to move on from the demons that have held you back all these years, wouldn't you agree?"
Now Juliet chugged her wine, glaring hard at her best friend. "You think I haven't already thought about that?"
"And?" Beth pressed.
"And I want him to have the best of me, not the stresses of the worst of me, which is pretty much all there is right now. Eric is a good man who deserves to be happy and if I want him to be happy with me, I have to be happy with me first. It's that simple. And if Eric can't understand that and deal with that, then..." Juliet's voice trailed off as her eyes brimmed once again.
This was Beth's cue to change the subject and quickly. So she leaned over and peered at the plate on the counter lifting a corner of the foil. "What did you bring?"
"Cookies," Juliet's voice cracked.
"What kind?"
"Sugar with extra frosting."
"Yes!" Beth hissed. "My favorite."
"I know."
For a moment the two friends munched on cookies. They sipped their wine and Beth filled Juliet in on the dinner she'd missed. Juliet recapped her day with the children, the kitchen disasters and the mountain of dishes. The two of them were finally starting to calm themselves when Travis entered the room. Immediately, Beth's stomach tied itself in knots as he helped himself to the refrigerator.
"So what made you decide to finally join us?" He nonchalantly muttered to Juliet. "Wait around long enough to make sure my brother was gone?"
Beth was mortified and Juliet's mouth hung open with shock. "W-what?"
"Just pointing out the obvious," he winked as he plucked a beer from the door.
"Travis," Beth hissed. "How could you be so rude?"
"Whatever, Beth," he replied with an exasperated shake of his head. "Do whatever. Sue me for being a little miffed when my brother gets his heart stomped on, or when I have to watch him give up on a date he's been looking forward to for weeks, forking over tickets he can't use to our older brother. So, yeah. Sue me."
The blood drained from Juliet's face and she looked like she'd been punched in the gut. "Date? Tickets?" She whispered. "I don't understand..."
"He was going to surprise you with theatre tickets tonight--"
"Travis," Beth barked. "You've said enough--"
Travis ignored her. "But you dropped him like a bad habit and you broke his heart. But, yanno, surprise, surprise, right? I hope you had a great holiday, sweetheart, because my brother's holiday was pretty fucking miserable."
"Travis!"
He glanced at Beth and took a step backward. "Don't worry, I'm out." He cut one more glare at Juliet before he left the room.
"He hates me," Juliet whispered. "He hates me because of Eric." Then her eyes met Beth's, large and full of fear. "Does Eric--? Does he feel the same--?"
"No," Beth assured her firmly. "No, he does not. Travis is just--" She paused and sighed. "I don't know, Jules. Protective of Eric, but--but I don't know, I've been doing some thinking today--"
"Are you two fighting?"
"Jules--"
"You are, aren't you? Are-are you fighting because of me and Eric?"
"Sweetie, no--"
"You are." Juliet's chin trembled as her eyes darted around in horror. "I ruin everything I touch. I should--I shouldn't have come here. I should go."
Juliet stood and hastily began to gather her coat and purse. "I'm sorry," she muttered. "I never meant for things to be this way--"
Beth darted from behind the bar and took Juliet's arm. "Please don't leave."
"I have to," she replied, the tears brimming her eyes. "Because you love him. And I'm not going to let my sordid existence ruin your happiness. I'm so sorry, Beth."
"Juliet, please!"
But it was no use. It took Juliet mere seconds to scurry out the penthouse door.
Beth's heart pounded and she felt the fire burning up in her face. She swallowed the lump in her throat and clenched her fists at her sides. Turning around, she was met with a look of surprise from Travis, who stared back at her from the kitchen doorway. "What did she just say?" He asked quietly.
Except that Beth could feel nothing but contempt for him at the moment. She could have murdered him with her bare hands. So much rage took her body over that she didn't know how to react next. So she held her body rigid and she glared at Travis, ignoring how beautiful he looked next to the dim lighting, and she made her decision. She turned on her heel and stormed toward the bedroom in the opposite direction.
"Beth," he called after her. He was following her and she knew it but she didn't care. She didn't give a shit what he did at that point.
Once she was in the bedroom, she swallowed lump after lump in her throat as her face warmed up with the threat of tears. She opened the drawers, the closet, and she deposited the few articles of clothing she'd accumulated over the past week into the duffel that she'd thrown on the bed.
"Beth," he said quietly again, taking items out of the duffel as she threw them in. "What do you think you're doing?"
Finally she faced him, straightening her spine and throwing her shoulders back in confidence. To look at his confusion-filled blue eyes nearly weakened her at the knees but she kept her composure. "I don't think I can do this," she stated.
"What?" He whispered.
"You were a monster tonight. You're--you're not the person I thought you were. And I'm glad I finally got to see you for who you really are before I sold my condo and moved in here."
Travis gaped at her, his jaw slackening. "What? What does--what does that even mean? Are you leaving me? What about--what about what Juliet said? If I heard her correctly, she said--and--and today, the day went so well--"
"Not according to you, did it?" She spat as she continued to pack her bag. "Then again, I suppose a good day for you is kicking someone while they're down, isn't it? Congratulations, Travis. I may or may not have to be worried about my best friend's mental state tonight, no thanks to you. It's been a wonderful day."
"Come on," he said, shifting his weight from one foot to the next. "So I don't like your friend. Okay? Fine. There's nothing in the rule books that says I have to like your friends."
"Maybe not. But in my rule book, you at least have to respect them. And my family. And Juliet is practically my sister. And you...you...I can't even form the words, Travis. You are a bastard."
"Oh. Oh, okay. So Juliet Carson can run around New York City and do whatever the fuck she wants, to anyone she wants, and I'm a monster and a bastard for defending my brother for it. Thanks, Beth. Thanks for that. I thought you saw something different in me--"
"I did. Until tonight. Until you shoved my friend--my sister's--face in the dirt the way you did. How dare you? You know, Eric is a grown man. He can take care of himself. Believe it or not, he doesn't need you breathing down his neck twenty-four seven. You know, maybe we should have left things the way they were turning out at the party. You should have gotten your fling in with Juliet and I would have gotten the more respectful brother."
"Oh, wow, Beth! That's fucking wonderful, isn't it? Is that what this entire relationship's been about? Is that why you're so quick to defend him all the damn time? Because you're secretly in love with him? Is that who Juliet was referring to when she left? You love him? She meant Eric?"
Beth's eyes darkened. "She did not mean Eric," she replied through clenched teeth.
Travis opened his mouth to speak and then closed it again. Slowly he sank himself down onto the foot of the bed and clasped his hands together. "So--so, then...but you're leaving me?"
Beth's nostrils flared with emotion as she rearranged her clothes in her bag. "Juliet and I are a packaged deal. You get one, you get us both. And I will not be in a relationship with a man who treats her like shit. I will never allow her to have another negative presence like that in her life, no matter...now matter how I feel about you."
"So...so you're choosing, then. Me or Juliet, is that it?"
"What if I made you choose between me and Eric?"
"It would be Eric," he stated simply.
"Then you see where I stand, here."
Finally, Travis sighed, resting his elbows on his knees and collapsing his head in his hands. Then he looked up at her, his pleading eyes red with tears. Beth choked up at the sight of him. "Beth," he whispered. "I can't lose you." He reached up and slid his hand into hers. "Beth, please. You don't understand, you--you're changing my life. You make me want to be a better man, you make me want to work harder and have a reputable future, you--Beth...I've fallen for you, can't you see that? Can't you see that I never want to spend another night without you? How much more can I spell it out?"
She looked down at Travis in his pitiful state and she sucked in a breath. She was torn between her love for him and the way she felt about the way he'd treated Juliet. To Beth, that was unforgivable. She'd meant it when she'd said that it was her and Juliet or it was neither of them. She would never give up on Juliet, no matter what it meant. But Travis made her happy. And for that, she would fight to have the best of both worlds.
So she gently sat down beside him and turned her torso toward him as he smiled lightly and tucked her hair behind her ear. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Juliet was abused."
She opened her eyes to look at Travis and his blue eyes blinked at her in confusion. The statement had obviously caught him off guard and he stared at her in silence. "She was orphaned as a very small child and she spent her entire childhood in foster care, never adopted. She suffered physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. And when she was a teenager she got married to escape it all and her husband raped her and beat her during their whole marriage. She spent her entire life believing that she was unworthy and good for nothing. She never felt love or comfort or security. So she came to New York to become someone new. She's never been in a relationship because as long as she's in control, she can never be hurt again." She paused and she let go of Travis's hand in favor of hugging her arms around each other. "I wasn't going to tell you because it's not my business to tell. I figured if she wanted you to know, she'd say something."
Travis sat there in a silent daze. For a moment he stared across the room at nothing in particular. Finally, he ran a hand over his face and wiped his palm on his pants. "Shit, babe," he breathed. "How was I supposed to know something like that? How could I have--? And how could Eric--?"
"Eric knows. He was the first person she ever told."
"How--how many people know?"
"Just me and Eric. And now you."
"That--that explains a lot," he said as he stood up to pace around the room.
"It explains everything," Beth corrected him quietly. "She broke it off with Eric because she starts therapy tomorrow and she wants to get well enough to better their relationship. She's dealing with a lot of shit right now, Travis. She thinks Eric is the greatest thing since sliced bread. She's never met anyone like him, he makes it okay for her to be herself and I've never seen her smile the way she does when she's with him. Except that he's the first man she's ever cared about and she has no idea how to deal with it. She's doing the best she can. And you didn't help at all tonight."
"Shit," he hissed as he paused in the middle of the room and rested his hands on his hips. Then he turned around and looked at Beth. "So...then where is it fair for you to come in here and pack your bags and call me an asshole when I'm...when I'm fucking in the dark over here?"
Beth's breath caught in her throat when she realized his point and her error. She felt horrible as her face fell. And then, overwhelmed with emotion, she burst into tears. "I'm sorry," she sobbed. "I'm so sorry, I'm so...I'm so exhausted! I'm under so much stress, I don't know which way is up!" She looked up at him helplessly. "I don't want to leave you, Travis. But you hurt me when you hurt Juliet. Even if you didn't know, even if...even if you don't like her, you still said terrible things." She paused to hiccup. "I thought you were--I mean, Juliet is my Eric. You know?"
In one movement, it seemed, Travis closed the gap between them and dropped to his knees in front of her. He clasped both of her hands in his. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
"I'm not the one you have to apologize to."
"I know. And I'll address that, I promise you. But right now it's only you and me and I can't fuck this up, Beth. I can't. I need you. I've never felt this way about anyone, I've never felt...everything. I didn't know I was alive until I met you. Please, Beth. Please. Stay. Give me another chance. Let me make love to you and take care of you and protect you. Belong to me, Beth. Please."
Beth gaped at him, the words on the tip of her tongue, her heart racing in her chest. Her body heaved with breath as she gathered her thoughts. "Travis," she breathed. "Are you--? Are you proposing?"
"No," he replied, gently squeezing her hands. "But I want the opportunity. I want to be yours. I want--I want a routine, I want dinner every night and movie nights on Fridays and board games and reading in bed. I want to feed you ice cream at three in the morning and use your shampoo by accident--"
"Travis," she smirked through her tears. "I know that's no accident."
He shrugged. "Okay, maybe not. But you get the point, right? I want a life with you. But I can't have that if you're running yourself ragged and packing bags. Okay? Just...stay with me tonight. Sleep in my arms, get some rest. If you still want to leave tomorrow after your head has cleared, then...I just want you to be happy. All right? Yes?"
She stared at him for a moment, only moving to wipe the tears from her cheeks. Then she sniffed and she pouted, "I'm blaming you."
"Fair enough."
"I want you to know that I'm blaming you for the pressure I'm under. For springing the interior design on the penthouse, for springing Thanksgiving on me the way you did, for leaving me absolutely no time in a fifty-plus-hour work week to provide the perfect warm, happy home so we could host this holiday. I'm a mess and I'm a wreck and you're an asshole because you did it to me."
He narrowed his eyes for a moment. "I thought I was an asshole for the way I spoke to Juliet?"
"You're a bastard for that."
"Got it," he nodded.
"But you heard her correctly," Beth whispered. "I wasn't ready to say it to you, yet, but...but what she said is true."
"Babe," he whispered back, a smile creeping across his face as his eyes moistened. "I'm so happy."
"I don't expect you to say it back," she spat quickly.
Travis arched an eyebrow. "You haven't actually said it at all..."
She let out a breath and straightened her shoulders. "Oh. Well, good. Then we haven't ruined anything."
"No," he agreed. "We haven't." Then his eyes darkened and his lips curled in a smirk. "The only thing I'm interested in ruining right now, anyway, is you."
Finally Beth giggled and she reached her arms out to slide them over his shoulders. "I just want you to know that while I'm riding the pity train, I plan to stay comfortably on my back for this entire experience. You have work to do, mister. Things to make up for. So...you know, get to it."
"I'm perfectly okay with that," he breathed as he crawled back up the bed and wrapped one of his strong arms around her waist. In one motion, he lifted her off the bed and tossed her upward, kicking the duffel off the bed as he crept over top of her.
As Travis nestled his body between her legs, Beth took a moment to pause as she wrapped her arms around his neck. "Travis," she whispered. "I've kissed a lot of toads in my life. I'm a very trusting, very optimistic person."
"I know. It's one of the many things I love about you."
"Don't be a toad, Travis. I mean it. Because you're important to me. You're more important than any man has ever been."
He smiled and nudged his nose against hers. "Toads give you warts. Have I ever given you warts?"
Beth crinkled up her nose and giggled. "I think this conversation just took a very disgusting turn."
Travis chuckled lightly. "I mean it. I mean, besides my behavior today, have I ever been bad for you?"
"No," she whispered.
"Now the truth is, I was a very horny toad when we first met. I'll admit that."
Beth burst out in laughter.
He laughed along with her and then he continued, "But then you kissed me. And I've never felt more like a prince. But I'll treat you like a queen, Beth. I promise you. For the rest of my life, you're my queen."
"Prove it," she challenged him with a smirk.
For the rest of the night, Travis made slow, sweet love to Beth, worshipping her and pleasing her endlessly before wrapping her in his arms and allowing to her to sleep peacefully in his safety. Maybe tomorrow morning she would let Travis know how much she worshipped him, too. But for the night, she chose to bask in his apologies.
___________________________________________________
Juliet walked down the street in the brisk chill of the New York City night air. It was late Thanksgiving night and the streets bustled with people engaging in their after dinner activities. Shopping, drinks, movies and theatre...it was all tradition. Up until this year, as a matter of fact, it was tradition for Juliet to go to Brooklyn with a tray of cookies and have dessert with Beth and her family after her day at the children's home. This year would be no different, just in a different location. Except that the evening had gone wrong. So horribly wrong.
She chose to walk instead of hailing a cab. Her driver was having dinner with his family and she dared not disturb him. Besides, she had hoped that the onslaught of the cold wind might sober her up a little bit from the dizzying amount of emotions she felt, but it was no use. She couldn't turn her brain off and, in turn, she couldn't freeze it out, either.
She'd had no idea how much of a burden she was on the people around her. She'd stayed so wrapped up in herself that she didn't see how she was affecting everyone else. She'd lied to the few friends she had, expected Eric to put his life on hold so she could fix her own train wreck of an existence. Travis hated her and it caused friction in Beth's relationship with him--the one person on this earth who deserved to be happy more than anyone else...and all Juliet could do was ruin it for her. She didn't know how to be anything else but a life-ruiner--be it her own or someone else's. It had always been her greatest talent, after all.
Maybe she should leave. She should leave New York altogether. Start over somewhere else. She loved Las Vegas when she went, she could see herself there. She certainly wouldn't take up residency in Miami for as long as she lived. But anywhere away from New York. Somewhere where she couldn't be in Eric's life and he could smile again. Somewhere where Beth could live happily ever after with Travis without her presence throwing a wrench in their relationship. Somewhere where Jason didn't have a friend that he had to hesitate to bring around his son. The more she thought about it, the more she realized how much happier her friends' lives would be if she weren't around. And maybe she could finally be happy knowing she wasn't burdening anyone else.
Except that her heart thumped in her chest as she found herself in front of Eric's building. Was this even on the route from Travis's penthouse to her own apartment? She remembered that Beth had said that Eric drove to dinner--had Juliet actually walked that far? Wow. It was amazing what a pair of sneakers could do every once in awhile. Juliet never wore sneakers, not unless she had good reason. Today was more than enough reason. Walking through the city was like walking on air tonight compared to most days in her stilettos. She had to take the small joys where she could get them.
She stopped and she stared up at the building. Eric would be happier without her...eventually. She knew this. But she also knew, in her heart of hearts, that she would be absolutely miserable without Eric. Hell, she was now. It was torture not sleeping in his arms every night, having breakfast with him in the morning, essentially living life with him. But he deserved better. Much better. And that was why she was committing to therapy in the morning.
Right now, though...she hadn't realized that she actually wanted somewhere to turn until she happened upon his building. She'd spent the entire walk wallowing in her self-pity, contemplating a potential change in address, only to realize that she couldn't bear not living around the block from Eric, whether he was in her life or not. And it was this realization that caused her to walk in and make her way up the elevator.
Once she'd reached the top, she wasn't sure why her hands trembled the way they did or why she felt so nervous, but part of her was convinced that she shouldn't be there. She shouldn't call him, she shouldn't contact him, she shouldn't see him...but she needed him like she needed air. And she hated herself for taking advantage of his generosity, but she knew she would find no comfort tonight like she would from him. And, so, she rang the bell and hugged her arms tightly around herself.
With each lock that unlocked his door, her nerves shot further and further, until finally the door opened and Juliet's heart melted at the sight of him. He had changed for bed, in nothing but bare feet, sweat pants, and a tee shirt, and his hair was lightly disheveled accompanied by a five o'clock shadow that made his blue eyes pop. Speaking of his eyes, they widened in surprise when he opened the door. "Jules," he breathed.
"Do you hate me?" She asked meekly.
He narrowed his eyes with concern and shook his head. "Hate you? I could never, why would I hate you?"
"I shouldn't be here."
He stepped aside to clear the way. "Come in here."
"This was...I'm sorry."
"Juliet," he said firmly. "Get in here."
She swallowed hard and her eyes cast downward as she moved swiftly past him. What was she supposed to do now? Why was she even here?
Her silence must have gotten Eric's attention because now he stood in front of her and he studied her. "Why would I hate you?" He asked again.
Her breath caught in her throat. "Because I dumped you," she nearly choked. "Because you had tickets to the theatre and I stood you up and because your holiday was miserable."
Now he narrowed his eyes in confusion. "What? My holiday was not miserable. Where is all this even coming from?"
"It's okay, you don't have to pretend," she said quietly. "I ruin everything I touch, you can be honest about it. Beth and Travis are fighting because--"
"Travis and Beth? You have got to start making some sense."
"Travis hates me," she whispered.
Eric shook his head slowly. "Um...no, he doesn't..."
Juliet nodded, her eyes falling. "Yes, he does. And it's fine. Really, it is. I get it, he has every reason to. If someone like me were treating Beth the way I treat you, I'd be as defensive of her. It's not--I mean, I get it. I just don't want Beth's relationship to suffer for it. You know? I don't want them to fight because I can't get my shit together. That's not fair to them."
"Jules," he said, leaning against the kitchen's island and crossing his arms over his chest. "What are you talking about?"
"Look, I didn't come here to be a nark or a tattletale or whatever," she said, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. "I just came here to make sure you're okay. Because I know that I'm a horrible person for breaking up with you and standing you up for dinner today, but in my defense, I had no idea we even had plans tonight--"
"Have you been talking to Beth?"
"I was over there. Anyway, I just want you to know that I--well, I've been doing some thinking and--"
But Eric was already fishing in his pocket for his cell phone. "I swear to God," he muttered. "I don't know what in the hell she's filling your head with but it stops now."
"No!" Juliet squealed, lunging for Eric's hands. "Don't do it! Please don't call! I've caused enough trouble as it is--!"
"Well now I'm causing trouble. You know, some friend you have there, Jules. Seriously--"
"It wasn't Beth!"
At that, Eric paused and lowered his phone as he stared back at her.
"Travis is the one who hates me," she continued. "Not Beth. In fact, Beth thinks you're practically perfect in every way. But Travis...he knows the truth. And maybe it was something I needed to hear."
Eric's nostrils flared. "And what, pray tell, is the supposed truth?"
"I'm no good for you, Eric."
"Oh, Jesus Christ!" He exploded, running his hand through his hair. "What the fuck does he even know, anyway? He doesn't know shit about you and me, Jules! How the hell can you take any stock in what he says?"
"Because he's your brother. And nobody knows you the way your brother does."
"Except you," he replied, taking several steps toward her. "Except you. There's only me and you here, nobody else. And we know each other, we know what's going on here. Don't we?"
"I just need to know that you're okay with things--"
"Of course I'm okay. I have to be okay. You need me. It's okay."
"I don't want to be needy."
"Babe, all life is, is being needy. We need to eat, we need to breathe, we need to wear pants, we need to vent to our soul mates. Humans need each other. Lovers need each other. It's what we do. Hell, honestly, I wish you were needier than you are. I want you to need me."
"But your family needs you, too."
"Fuck 'em," he spat.
"Eric!"
"That was--okay" he conceded. "Look, I'll deal with Travis, don't even worry about it. You're standing right here in front of me and I'm telling you that the guy is full of shit and I don't hate you. Got it? I mean, that's all that matters, right?"
Finally, she nodded as she fiddled with the zipper hanging from the bottom of her coat. Then she looked up at Eric shyly. "Do you, um...do you happen to have any cigarettes?"
He stared at her for a moment before he finally looked around the room guiltily. "Uh, yeah. Yeah, actually, I do."
"I'm sorry," she said quietly. "That's another one of those nasty influences I have, apparently."
"It's cool," he assured her. "I'm kinda like you, I only smoke on special occasions. I've had the same pack for awhile. Probably only smoked a couple of them."
Several minutes later, the pair sat across from each other on the floor in the living room, underneath a cracked window. They were wrapped in blankets and each double fisted a cigarette and a glass of red wine.
They smoked and sipped in silence for a moment before Juliet finally broke the ice quietly. "Eric? Have you ever thought about suicide?"
Eric lowered his cigarette and stared at her hard, his eyes boring into hers. Seconds later, however, his face relaxed and he took another drag as he looked out the window at the city lights. "Yeah," he confessed. "Couple times, actually."
"What happened?" She whispered.
Eric let out a breath. "I was bullied a lot in school, junior high especially. I was thirteen. It got really bad, a lot of the guys on the football team with Travis really had it out for me. I was--I was not Travis. I was his sniveling little geeky brother with glasses and my nose in a book. And those guys got off on it. Anyway, after a really bad day, I decided I'd had enough. So I went home, locked myself in the bathroom, and sat on the floor with a razor blade against my wrist." He paused to take a drag of his cigarette, exhaling slowly. "I must have sat there for hours. Nobody looked for me until dinner, when Travis finally picked the lock and let himself in. He told Mom that the both of us weren't feeling well and we were skipping dinner. And then he sat in the floor with me and talked me down. He never told our parents about it." Then he laughed. "The next day he got himself suspended from school and kicked off the team for the rest of the year because he went ape shit at practice, bloodying a few noses, cracking a rib or two...always been a wild card, that one."
Juliet glanced down at her wine glass, gently swirling the red liquid around in it. "Travis is a good brother."
"He's my best friend," Eric said quietly.
"I suppose no woman will ever be good enough for you, then, will they?"
"That's not really his call to make."
"What about the second time?"
"College. Everything was crashing down. I was flunking accounting--"
"You?"
Eric smiled sheepishly. "Yeah. It was a rough year. My first relationship ended because she said I wasn't giving her what she needed--though she never told me exactly what that entailed. In turn, my grades started slipping, they were threatening academic probation. From the other direction, my dad never let me forget how disappointed he was in me. Why couldn't I be more like Travis or Andy? Why couldn't I get my head out of the clouds and my ass in gear? Didn't matter that I spent all my free time studying. I didn't go to the parties or do any of the extra-curriculars. And maybe that was what ended my relationship, maybe I was boring. But I wanted to be something, you know? I wanted to be something my father would be proud of, something a woman couldn't live without, something...that I could be happy with myself for." Then he scoffed and turned up his glass. "Look at me now, though. Nothing ever really quite changes, does it?"
"Eric..."
"Anyway, I made a noose and hung it from the bar in my closet. And I sat there and I stared at it forever. And I stared and I thought about it. And I remembered the way Travis told me when we were thirteen that it wasn't worth it. That I do matter, no matter how differently I might feel about it. Then I remembered how he got himself in trouble and lost friends just because of me. And I didn't want to ruin his life by ending my own. It wasn't worth it. So I took the noose down, fixed my closet, and called Travis. He was in Malibu at the time and we made plans for me to visit on my next break from school. Best decision I ever made."
"I'm glad you never went through with it," Juliet replied. "I know I make your life hell...but you couldn't imagine how grateful I am for you. You changed my life with a ginger ale spritzer that I didn't even drink."
He chuckled and he shook his head, taking a drag of his cigarette. "Your turn."
She peered out the window and reached up to flick the ashes off her own cigarette. "Too many times to count. A child shouldn't ever have those thoughts and especially not as often as I did. Honestly, the only reason I never did it was because I was afraid it was gonna hurt. Believe it or not, I have a low tolerance for pain." She looked into Eric's eyes for a moment before she glanced down in shame. "I hadn't planned on coming here tonight. I was--I was actually having a lovely conversation with myself about how much better everyone's lives would be if I weren't around. You would be happier not having to put up with me--"
"That would quite literally kill me."
"No, it wouldn't. Beth and Travis could be happy together without me lurking in the shadows. Nobody would have to worry about inviting me to anything, no worries over whether I'd show up and be a humiliation because of the decisions I've made for myself. Admit it, Eric. You were happy before I came along."
Gruffly, Eric snuffed his cigarette out in the ashtray they shared, sat his glass down, and lunged forward, taking Juliet, blanket, cigarette, wine, and all, into his arms, and shamelessly crashed his lips into hers. She opened her mouth for him, inviting him in, not ever able to resist him and, for a few seconds, allowed his kiss to run rampant all over the nerves in her body.
He broke the kiss, however, his breath still hot on her face. "For the first time, my life found meaning when I met you. I'm not about to let that go. Wherever you go, I go, that's all there is to it. If you want to Romeo and Juliet your way out of this shit, I only ask that you let me go first. You got that?"
Suddenly, she burst out laughing and, subsequently, Eric followed suit. He had no idea what he was laughing at, but she supposed they both needed a healthy dose of the hysterics. When she was finally able to breathe, she wheezed out, "Why did my parents have to name me Juliet? School was hell because of that!"
Eric's laughter subsided to a smile. "Because you're beautiful. And Shakespeare's Juliet was so beautiful that Romeo married her less than twenty-four hours after meeting her."
"Yeah," she snorted. "And in that time she managed to make his life a living hell to the point of suicide. Maybe my parents were on to something."
"No," he shook his head. "You're too hard on yourself. You think to much into things to the point where you're psyching yourself out. That's why you stay stressed out. You need to take it easy once in awhile. And stop starting conversations with suicide questions."
She sighed and she smiled, glancing down at the way their blankets now molded together. "I don't want to off myself. If I do, it means they won. And I sure don't want to reunite with my husband in hell. No, I just...was thinking of places I could move to. Far away where I could start over and stop hurting people. But sometimes the thought of ending it all just provides a fleeting moment of peace, doesn't it? Knowing it would all be over?"
"Except that suicide is permanent. No do-over's. Your next life won't be the same. You'll never see the people you love again. The 'what might have been' will never be. Suicide affects everyone around you, not just you. It's selfish. You think that everyone will be happy without you, but imagine if you're gone. I know I'd lose all sense of hope--and sanity. And what about Beth? You two are practically two halves of a whole, and you'd leave her to run an entire company on her own? That isn't very fair. No," he paused to shake his head. "That's what kept me from doing it that last time. Thinking about Travis and the consequences. It's not worth it. There's always a way out, Jules. Always."
"I know."
"And you can forget about leaving Manhattan," he muttered, lighting himself a fresh cigarette. "Not gonna happen. You think I stalk you now? Just wait."
She narrowed her eyes and smiled. "You make that sound so creepy."
"Come on," he grinned. "You like it when I stalk you. If it were anyone else, it would be creepy." Then his cocky grin widened. "But I'm cute. And you like me."
Now her grin matched his. "Well. You do have a point there. You are irresistibly adorable in a boyish kind of way."
He turned up his lip. "That's it?"
"And irresistibly sexy in a manly kind of way," she finished wryly.
"That's better." Then he took a drag and picked his wine glass back up. "If I did allow you--us--to move, though...where would we go?"
"Well...I hadn't really intended on anyone else having any say in the matter."
He glanced directly into her eyes as he flicked his ashes out the window. "Wherever it is, I hope it'll be worth disappointing all those kids that you help out every year."
At that, Juliet swallowed the guilt hard, ashamed of herself for not taking them into consideration of her selfish dreams. She let out a quiet breath and stared down into her wine glass. "Beth said you saw me."
"And you were more beautiful than I've ever seen you," he replied softly. "Even more beautiful now."
She blushed. "Well, thank you, but--"
"Why didn't you ever tell me?"
Her eyes darted around. "Because I'm not--I'm not looking some prize or a pat on the back or anything. It's just...it's something that's important to me."
"I know how important it is to you," he whispered. "I completely understand it. If you had told me, though, I would have stood right there beside you. I would have been there today, too."
Suddenly, her eyes hardened against his. "If I had told you. If I were there. So if I wasn't involved, you wouldn't think twice about the place, is that what you're saying?"
"Well--well, no. I mean, in my defense, it's the first time I knew the place existed--"
"They're a dime a dozen, Eric. You could have volunteered your time a long time ago if it really meant that much to you."
"Jules. Juliet, come on. Calm down. We all gotta start somewhere, right? Cut me a little slack, here. Okay? Don't be so quick to judge me or jump down my throat. And for the record, I wrote a pretty hefty check at that Humane Society benefit and you didn't even know about it, so...I mean, don't write me off as heartless just yet."
Her expression softened as his blue eyes glistened against the low lamp light of his living room. They were warm and kind and sincere--and completely right. She shouldn't have jumped the gun so quick to judge him. She was being a complete hypocrite. "I'm sorry. You're right, I--I get defensive, I--"
"You're passionate," he sympathized. "That's all it is."
"Why are you--? Why are you so accepting of me? I bite your head off, I can't make up my mind, I can't...I can't do anything right, except...except you make me feel as if I can do no wrong. It's very confusing and I don't deserve half the respect you give to me."
"Because if you're not willing to see yourself for everything that you are, somebody has to," he replied matter-of-factly. "It is what it is. You're a good person, sorry to say. I mean, it's not your fault that a gorgeous, studly, sexy fox just happens to be the one who has your number, right?"
Juliet's mouth crept up into a smile that matched Eric's and she turned up her wine glass, finally draining it. "You think so highly of yourself, don't you?"
He shrugged boyishly. "I just feed off of the way I feel when I'm with you, that's all."
Her face fell and her expression turned serious again. "I'm starting therapy tomorrow. And I'm scared to death. I don't even know if I can handle it."
"It's tomorrow? After Thanksgiving?"
"I asked for the earliest opening possible. I want to get this started, I want...you, I want us, I want...I want to finally find out who I am, you know?"
"You know you have me regardless, don't you?"
"I know," she nodded. "But I just...want a fresh start. A Juliet who's actually dealing with her problems as opposed to dumping them all on you on the first night. That was no way to go about it, you know? And it's been hell for us ever since. Anyway, it's just...I have to tell the therapist everything. Revisit memories I've chosen to repress. Share things that I didn't even tell you, things, that...terrifying things, Eric. Shameful things. Am I--? Am I even going to survive this?"
"Yes," he said, reaching out and taking her hand. "Yes, because I'm going to be here and I won't let you crash and burn. I'm here to hold you up, I'm here for you to lean on. Okay? We're partners in crime, you and I. You lean on me, I lean on you, we're in this together. I mean it."
"Eric," she said quietly, squeezing his hand. "Regardless of everything, you're...you're my best friend. I mean, besides Beth, you're...on a different level. Is that--? Is that crazy to say? We've only known each other, what, a month? God, it feels like it's been so much longer."
"Jules, I've shared things with you that I've never shared with anyone else. I feel the same about you. I just want you to realize that I'm never going to go away. You'll never be alone, I promise. My door is always open. We can chain smoke and drink bottle after bottle wine until you're all talked out, doesn't matter. Always know that."
"You know, it's kinda funny when you think about it. Both of our best friends are dating each other. And we're both kind of...well, kind of the third wheel in their relationship. We're both having to share them now."
"Just one more thing we have in common."
"Eric," she whispered nervously. "I want...I want things with you that I told myself I wasn't ready for yet. I promised myself, and I promised you, that once I started getting help things would be different, but...but it doesn't keep me from feeling now. I probably shouldn't be telling you that, but..." Tears welled up in her eyes, her fear and her feelings for Eric finally bubbling to the surface at the same time. "The only safety I've ever felt is in your arms. I know you think I'm jerking you around, but I don't know what else to do--"
"Jules," he whispered, relinquishing his smoke and drink once again. This time, however, he stood up and shed his blanket, bent over, and scooped her with ease off the floor. "Come here."
He carried her to the couch in his dark living room and he sat there, cradling her tightly in his arms. She should have been ashamed of herself for letting this happen. For giving in to her needs and her wants and allowing him to comfort her the way he did. What was he thinking? Was she getting his hopes up only to let him down again? Should she even be allowing this to happen? She couldn't help herself, though. She couldn't resist. He was strong and he was warm and he smelled of the familiar scent of clean eucalyptus that she'd grown to adore over the past month. She nestled her nose against his shoulder and heaved a contented sigh. The one thing she did know, though, was she wouldn't have traded this moment or this feeling for the world. He was everything she ever needed. She prayed that therapy would make it okay for her to need him completely.
The penthouse was quiet. It was finally quiet. Beth's family had been the last to leave and they'd only just left less than half an hour ago. Her mother had insisted on helping her clean the kitchen, much to Beth's objection, but if she was honest with herself, she couldn't deny that she appreciated the help. She was both physically and mentally exhausted and she couldn't wait to sleep until Monday morning.
Now the kitchen was nearly clean. It was dark, save for the light over the sink and the city lights that shone through the windows of the dining room as part of the open floor plan. Beth decided that this was her favorite part of the penthouse--leaning against the bar, sipping her wine, and gazing through the windows and into the night sky. She could do this every night. Make a routine of it before bed.
But that required moving in. And after today...well, she wasn't quite sure it was time for moving in just yet.
The day had gone well. It was one of the best Thanksgivings she'd ever spent. The fact that she'd actually been able to pull it off still blew her mind. Travis was already talking about next year and she was still eying this year's leftover pie that sat on the counter behind her. She couldn't even fathom next year. At this rate, she wasn't even sure she could fathom next week.
She let out a sigh as she sipped her wine, uneasiness tugging at her heartstrings. Ever since they'd gotten into their small tiff over Eric and Juliet, there'd been tension between her and Travis. They'd done well not to let their guests know it, but it was definitely in the air. Since the penthouse had been empty half an hour ago, they hadn't said two words to each other. Could she do this? Could she be with a man who held such resentment toward her best friend for something that wasn't his business?
Sure, he didn't know about Juliet. He didn't know why she was the way she was. But Beth didn't tell him because only two people in the entire world did know and she didn't want to betray her best friend's trust. She figured if Juliet wanted anyone else to know, she'd say so. Beth felt strongly for Travis and she had no qualms telling him every in and out of her entire life--but it wasn't her place to share someone else's business. Not someone's business who'd been through what Juliet had been through, not someone who had such difficulty trusting people. When Travis finally did learn the truth, he would likely be upset that Beth had kept him in the dark, but that was a bridge she would have to cross when she got there. For now, she understood that he was loyal to his twin brother--but he needed to learn when to let go and let Eric be his own man, too.
At this, Beth frowned when she remembered the pained look on Eric's face as he watched his brother and sister-in-law trail out the door behind his parents as they left to go to the theatre. Andy and Caroline had been much too thrilled at the tickets they were offered, Eric never letting on that the tickets were meant for him and a date that had broken his heart. Her heart went out to him as much as it went out to Juliet. She cared about both of them very much and it tore her apart how happy she knew they were together--and how one of them was too stubborn to see it and the other just stood there and rolled with the punches.
As if on cue, the penthouse's doorbell rang and it took a second for it to register, as the place was empty save for Travis who was...wherever he was. Wherever he was, though, he wasn't far from the door because she saw his blonde hair bound across the foyer beyond the kitchen and toward the door. A moment later, to Beth's surprise, Juliet walked in, a covered plate occupying her hands.
She looked like a train wreck. Her thick, dark hair was piled on top of her head and was disheveled with strands running wild all over the place. She was clearly as exhausted as Beth was, with her smudged makeup and the circles under her eyes, and her shoulders slumped as if she could collapse at any moment. Instead of collapsing, though, she winced at Beth and shrugged a shoulder. "I'm sorry I'm late. I'm--I'm sorry I missed your first Thanksgiving."
It took nothing for Beth to break down into a fit of tears. Sitting her glass down, she padded her bare feet quickly around the bar, took the plate from Juliet, and wrapped her arms around her best friend's neck and wept on her shoulder. Within seconds, Juliet followed suit, and the two women took their comfort in each other.
"I'm so sorry," Juliet hiccupped amidst her muffled sobs. "I should have been here."
Finally, Beth sniffed back her tears and pulled away, wiping her face and shaking her head. "No. Don't apologize. You were where you wanted to be."
"I wanted to be here--"
"No. You don't ever apologize for that. You apologize if you choose to spend the holiday alone or if you ditch me for some other crazy woman's family. But don't you ever apologize for being over at that orphanage. You understand me? If anything, I should have been there with you."
"Beth..."
"I'm so tired," Beth whispered.
"Me, too."
"Sit down," she motioned to a bar stood, inviting Juliet to sit. "Have a glass of wine."
"You don't know how desperately I need it," Juliet laughed.
"Believe me, I'm sure I do."
Behind the counter, Beth drained the bottle Eric had brought and passed Juliet the glass across the bar. Then she picked up her own glass and traded a silent toast with Juliet.
Juliet smiled as she turned her glass up. "Mmm, my favorite. God, that's so good."
"Eric brought it," Beth murmured.
Beth thought Juliet might choke, but she managed to keep it together. "But I never...I've never had red wine with him. Only white."
"Coincidence," Beth shrugged. "Or as I prefer to call it, a sign."
Juliet's face fell and she gently deposited her glass onto the counter. "He expected me to be here, didn't he?"
"Why didn't you tell him what you do on the holidays?"
"I don't know," Juliet murmured. "It wasn't...I mean we're not together anymore, so..."
"He saw you, you know," Beth said gently. "The parade caused him to have to detour and he passed the home on the way here. He saw you outside. He knows."
"Was he hurt?"
Beth squinted her eyes in thought. "I think...once he realized the reason for your absence he wasn't upset. I think he was more upset by the fact that you didn't share it with him. Jules, I wholeheartedly believe that if he knew about it, he would have been right there beside you, serving up mashed potatoes in the most hideous apron they could find."
With that, Juliet allowed the corners of her mouth to turn up as she turned up her wine glass again. "We could have used his help, that's for sure. The kids really outdid themselves today. Every last one of them was as rambunctious as they could get. I think next year all the desserts will be sugar-free."
Beth giggled for a moment before both women turned serious again. "At the table, when his turn came, he said he was thankful for you."
Beth thought she could practically hear Juliet's breath catching in her throat as her face turned red and she blinked. "What?"
"He didn't say your name, but it didn't take a rocket scientist to know who he was referring to. He said he was thankful that he had someone in his life who believes in humanity and who makes self-sacrifices to brighten someone's day. I knew he was talking about you. I'm sure Travis and Terrell picked up on it pretty quickly, too."
Juliet's face filled with shame with every word Beth said. "Beth," she whispered. "I start therapy tomorrow. I told Eric I needed time to get myself together so I could be a better person for him. We agreed to hold off, isn't--I mean, don't I have that right?"
"Of course you do."
"I feel so much pressure. I'm afraid that--that if I commit to him now that I'll fuck things up so much more than I already have. I don't even like to be alone with myself half the time, Beth. And then I have to...to what, give him a piece of myself that I'm not even sure exists? How is that fair to him? Why doesn't he see that?"
"Because sometimes love is blind," Beth said. "Real, raw, true love is blind. Eric is ready to walk barefoot through fire for you at any given moment, don't you see that? He wants you for who you already are, he's willing to take the good with the bad. I'm going to say this one last time and then I'll leave you alone about it, but I really think that you should let him take this journey with you. We both know you already want to commit to him. Depriving yourself is only making it worse on you, can't you see that?"
"No," Juliet deadpanned. "What's making it worse is the fact that I haven't dealt with this shit, yet, and I don't want him caught in the crosshairs again. He's innocent, he doesn't deserve any of my bullshit--"
"I think it's kind of funny that the second he's plopped down on this earth right in front of your face is the time when you've finally decided that you want to move on from the demons that have held you back all these years, wouldn't you agree?"
Now Juliet chugged her wine, glaring hard at her best friend. "You think I haven't already thought about that?"
"And?" Beth pressed.
"And I want him to have the best of me, not the stresses of the worst of me, which is pretty much all there is right now. Eric is a good man who deserves to be happy and if I want him to be happy with me, I have to be happy with me first. It's that simple. And if Eric can't understand that and deal with that, then..." Juliet's voice trailed off as her eyes brimmed once again.
This was Beth's cue to change the subject and quickly. So she leaned over and peered at the plate on the counter lifting a corner of the foil. "What did you bring?"
"Cookies," Juliet's voice cracked.
"What kind?"
"Sugar with extra frosting."
"Yes!" Beth hissed. "My favorite."
"I know."
For a moment the two friends munched on cookies. They sipped their wine and Beth filled Juliet in on the dinner she'd missed. Juliet recapped her day with the children, the kitchen disasters and the mountain of dishes. The two of them were finally starting to calm themselves when Travis entered the room. Immediately, Beth's stomach tied itself in knots as he helped himself to the refrigerator.
"So what made you decide to finally join us?" He nonchalantly muttered to Juliet. "Wait around long enough to make sure my brother was gone?"
Beth was mortified and Juliet's mouth hung open with shock. "W-what?"
"Just pointing out the obvious," he winked as he plucked a beer from the door.
"Travis," Beth hissed. "How could you be so rude?"
"Whatever, Beth," he replied with an exasperated shake of his head. "Do whatever. Sue me for being a little miffed when my brother gets his heart stomped on, or when I have to watch him give up on a date he's been looking forward to for weeks, forking over tickets he can't use to our older brother. So, yeah. Sue me."
The blood drained from Juliet's face and she looked like she'd been punched in the gut. "Date? Tickets?" She whispered. "I don't understand..."
"He was going to surprise you with theatre tickets tonight--"
"Travis," Beth barked. "You've said enough--"
Travis ignored her. "But you dropped him like a bad habit and you broke his heart. But, yanno, surprise, surprise, right? I hope you had a great holiday, sweetheart, because my brother's holiday was pretty fucking miserable."
"Travis!"
He glanced at Beth and took a step backward. "Don't worry, I'm out." He cut one more glare at Juliet before he left the room.
"He hates me," Juliet whispered. "He hates me because of Eric." Then her eyes met Beth's, large and full of fear. "Does Eric--? Does he feel the same--?"
"No," Beth assured her firmly. "No, he does not. Travis is just--" She paused and sighed. "I don't know, Jules. Protective of Eric, but--but I don't know, I've been doing some thinking today--"
"Are you two fighting?"
"Jules--"
"You are, aren't you? Are-are you fighting because of me and Eric?"
"Sweetie, no--"
"You are." Juliet's chin trembled as her eyes darted around in horror. "I ruin everything I touch. I should--I shouldn't have come here. I should go."
Juliet stood and hastily began to gather her coat and purse. "I'm sorry," she muttered. "I never meant for things to be this way--"
Beth darted from behind the bar and took Juliet's arm. "Please don't leave."
"I have to," she replied, the tears brimming her eyes. "Because you love him. And I'm not going to let my sordid existence ruin your happiness. I'm so sorry, Beth."
"Juliet, please!"
But it was no use. It took Juliet mere seconds to scurry out the penthouse door.
Beth's heart pounded and she felt the fire burning up in her face. She swallowed the lump in her throat and clenched her fists at her sides. Turning around, she was met with a look of surprise from Travis, who stared back at her from the kitchen doorway. "What did she just say?" He asked quietly.
Except that Beth could feel nothing but contempt for him at the moment. She could have murdered him with her bare hands. So much rage took her body over that she didn't know how to react next. So she held her body rigid and she glared at Travis, ignoring how beautiful he looked next to the dim lighting, and she made her decision. She turned on her heel and stormed toward the bedroom in the opposite direction.
"Beth," he called after her. He was following her and she knew it but she didn't care. She didn't give a shit what he did at that point.
Once she was in the bedroom, she swallowed lump after lump in her throat as her face warmed up with the threat of tears. She opened the drawers, the closet, and she deposited the few articles of clothing she'd accumulated over the past week into the duffel that she'd thrown on the bed.
"Beth," he said quietly again, taking items out of the duffel as she threw them in. "What do you think you're doing?"
Finally she faced him, straightening her spine and throwing her shoulders back in confidence. To look at his confusion-filled blue eyes nearly weakened her at the knees but she kept her composure. "I don't think I can do this," she stated.
"What?" He whispered.
"You were a monster tonight. You're--you're not the person I thought you were. And I'm glad I finally got to see you for who you really are before I sold my condo and moved in here."
Travis gaped at her, his jaw slackening. "What? What does--what does that even mean? Are you leaving me? What about--what about what Juliet said? If I heard her correctly, she said--and--and today, the day went so well--"
"Not according to you, did it?" She spat as she continued to pack her bag. "Then again, I suppose a good day for you is kicking someone while they're down, isn't it? Congratulations, Travis. I may or may not have to be worried about my best friend's mental state tonight, no thanks to you. It's been a wonderful day."
"Come on," he said, shifting his weight from one foot to the next. "So I don't like your friend. Okay? Fine. There's nothing in the rule books that says I have to like your friends."
"Maybe not. But in my rule book, you at least have to respect them. And my family. And Juliet is practically my sister. And you...you...I can't even form the words, Travis. You are a bastard."
"Oh. Oh, okay. So Juliet Carson can run around New York City and do whatever the fuck she wants, to anyone she wants, and I'm a monster and a bastard for defending my brother for it. Thanks, Beth. Thanks for that. I thought you saw something different in me--"
"I did. Until tonight. Until you shoved my friend--my sister's--face in the dirt the way you did. How dare you? You know, Eric is a grown man. He can take care of himself. Believe it or not, he doesn't need you breathing down his neck twenty-four seven. You know, maybe we should have left things the way they were turning out at the party. You should have gotten your fling in with Juliet and I would have gotten the more respectful brother."
"Oh, wow, Beth! That's fucking wonderful, isn't it? Is that what this entire relationship's been about? Is that why you're so quick to defend him all the damn time? Because you're secretly in love with him? Is that who Juliet was referring to when she left? You love him? She meant Eric?"
Beth's eyes darkened. "She did not mean Eric," she replied through clenched teeth.
Travis opened his mouth to speak and then closed it again. Slowly he sank himself down onto the foot of the bed and clasped his hands together. "So--so, then...but you're leaving me?"
Beth's nostrils flared with emotion as she rearranged her clothes in her bag. "Juliet and I are a packaged deal. You get one, you get us both. And I will not be in a relationship with a man who treats her like shit. I will never allow her to have another negative presence like that in her life, no matter...now matter how I feel about you."
"So...so you're choosing, then. Me or Juliet, is that it?"
"What if I made you choose between me and Eric?"
"It would be Eric," he stated simply.
"Then you see where I stand, here."
Finally, Travis sighed, resting his elbows on his knees and collapsing his head in his hands. Then he looked up at her, his pleading eyes red with tears. Beth choked up at the sight of him. "Beth," he whispered. "I can't lose you." He reached up and slid his hand into hers. "Beth, please. You don't understand, you--you're changing my life. You make me want to be a better man, you make me want to work harder and have a reputable future, you--Beth...I've fallen for you, can't you see that? Can't you see that I never want to spend another night without you? How much more can I spell it out?"
She looked down at Travis in his pitiful state and she sucked in a breath. She was torn between her love for him and the way she felt about the way he'd treated Juliet. To Beth, that was unforgivable. She'd meant it when she'd said that it was her and Juliet or it was neither of them. She would never give up on Juliet, no matter what it meant. But Travis made her happy. And for that, she would fight to have the best of both worlds.
So she gently sat down beside him and turned her torso toward him as he smiled lightly and tucked her hair behind her ear. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Juliet was abused."
She opened her eyes to look at Travis and his blue eyes blinked at her in confusion. The statement had obviously caught him off guard and he stared at her in silence. "She was orphaned as a very small child and she spent her entire childhood in foster care, never adopted. She suffered physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. And when she was a teenager she got married to escape it all and her husband raped her and beat her during their whole marriage. She spent her entire life believing that she was unworthy and good for nothing. She never felt love or comfort or security. So she came to New York to become someone new. She's never been in a relationship because as long as she's in control, she can never be hurt again." She paused and she let go of Travis's hand in favor of hugging her arms around each other. "I wasn't going to tell you because it's not my business to tell. I figured if she wanted you to know, she'd say something."
Travis sat there in a silent daze. For a moment he stared across the room at nothing in particular. Finally, he ran a hand over his face and wiped his palm on his pants. "Shit, babe," he breathed. "How was I supposed to know something like that? How could I have--? And how could Eric--?"
"Eric knows. He was the first person she ever told."
"How--how many people know?"
"Just me and Eric. And now you."
"That--that explains a lot," he said as he stood up to pace around the room.
"It explains everything," Beth corrected him quietly. "She broke it off with Eric because she starts therapy tomorrow and she wants to get well enough to better their relationship. She's dealing with a lot of shit right now, Travis. She thinks Eric is the greatest thing since sliced bread. She's never met anyone like him, he makes it okay for her to be herself and I've never seen her smile the way she does when she's with him. Except that he's the first man she's ever cared about and she has no idea how to deal with it. She's doing the best she can. And you didn't help at all tonight."
"Shit," he hissed as he paused in the middle of the room and rested his hands on his hips. Then he turned around and looked at Beth. "So...then where is it fair for you to come in here and pack your bags and call me an asshole when I'm...when I'm fucking in the dark over here?"
Beth's breath caught in her throat when she realized his point and her error. She felt horrible as her face fell. And then, overwhelmed with emotion, she burst into tears. "I'm sorry," she sobbed. "I'm so sorry, I'm so...I'm so exhausted! I'm under so much stress, I don't know which way is up!" She looked up at him helplessly. "I don't want to leave you, Travis. But you hurt me when you hurt Juliet. Even if you didn't know, even if...even if you don't like her, you still said terrible things." She paused to hiccup. "I thought you were--I mean, Juliet is my Eric. You know?"
In one movement, it seemed, Travis closed the gap between them and dropped to his knees in front of her. He clasped both of her hands in his. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
"I'm not the one you have to apologize to."
"I know. And I'll address that, I promise you. But right now it's only you and me and I can't fuck this up, Beth. I can't. I need you. I've never felt this way about anyone, I've never felt...everything. I didn't know I was alive until I met you. Please, Beth. Please. Stay. Give me another chance. Let me make love to you and take care of you and protect you. Belong to me, Beth. Please."
Beth gaped at him, the words on the tip of her tongue, her heart racing in her chest. Her body heaved with breath as she gathered her thoughts. "Travis," she breathed. "Are you--? Are you proposing?"
"No," he replied, gently squeezing her hands. "But I want the opportunity. I want to be yours. I want--I want a routine, I want dinner every night and movie nights on Fridays and board games and reading in bed. I want to feed you ice cream at three in the morning and use your shampoo by accident--"
"Travis," she smirked through her tears. "I know that's no accident."
He shrugged. "Okay, maybe not. But you get the point, right? I want a life with you. But I can't have that if you're running yourself ragged and packing bags. Okay? Just...stay with me tonight. Sleep in my arms, get some rest. If you still want to leave tomorrow after your head has cleared, then...I just want you to be happy. All right? Yes?"
She stared at him for a moment, only moving to wipe the tears from her cheeks. Then she sniffed and she pouted, "I'm blaming you."
"Fair enough."
"I want you to know that I'm blaming you for the pressure I'm under. For springing the interior design on the penthouse, for springing Thanksgiving on me the way you did, for leaving me absolutely no time in a fifty-plus-hour work week to provide the perfect warm, happy home so we could host this holiday. I'm a mess and I'm a wreck and you're an asshole because you did it to me."
He narrowed his eyes for a moment. "I thought I was an asshole for the way I spoke to Juliet?"
"You're a bastard for that."
"Got it," he nodded.
"But you heard her correctly," Beth whispered. "I wasn't ready to say it to you, yet, but...but what she said is true."
"Babe," he whispered back, a smile creeping across his face as his eyes moistened. "I'm so happy."
"I don't expect you to say it back," she spat quickly.
Travis arched an eyebrow. "You haven't actually said it at all..."
She let out a breath and straightened her shoulders. "Oh. Well, good. Then we haven't ruined anything."
"No," he agreed. "We haven't." Then his eyes darkened and his lips curled in a smirk. "The only thing I'm interested in ruining right now, anyway, is you."
Finally Beth giggled and she reached her arms out to slide them over his shoulders. "I just want you to know that while I'm riding the pity train, I plan to stay comfortably on my back for this entire experience. You have work to do, mister. Things to make up for. So...you know, get to it."
"I'm perfectly okay with that," he breathed as he crawled back up the bed and wrapped one of his strong arms around her waist. In one motion, he lifted her off the bed and tossed her upward, kicking the duffel off the bed as he crept over top of her.
As Travis nestled his body between her legs, Beth took a moment to pause as she wrapped her arms around his neck. "Travis," she whispered. "I've kissed a lot of toads in my life. I'm a very trusting, very optimistic person."
"I know. It's one of the many things I love about you."
"Don't be a toad, Travis. I mean it. Because you're important to me. You're more important than any man has ever been."
He smiled and nudged his nose against hers. "Toads give you warts. Have I ever given you warts?"
Beth crinkled up her nose and giggled. "I think this conversation just took a very disgusting turn."
Travis chuckled lightly. "I mean it. I mean, besides my behavior today, have I ever been bad for you?"
"No," she whispered.
"Now the truth is, I was a very horny toad when we first met. I'll admit that."
Beth burst out in laughter.
He laughed along with her and then he continued, "But then you kissed me. And I've never felt more like a prince. But I'll treat you like a queen, Beth. I promise you. For the rest of my life, you're my queen."
"Prove it," she challenged him with a smirk.
For the rest of the night, Travis made slow, sweet love to Beth, worshipping her and pleasing her endlessly before wrapping her in his arms and allowing to her to sleep peacefully in his safety. Maybe tomorrow morning she would let Travis know how much she worshipped him, too. But for the night, she chose to bask in his apologies.
___________________________________________________
Juliet walked down the street in the brisk chill of the New York City night air. It was late Thanksgiving night and the streets bustled with people engaging in their after dinner activities. Shopping, drinks, movies and theatre...it was all tradition. Up until this year, as a matter of fact, it was tradition for Juliet to go to Brooklyn with a tray of cookies and have dessert with Beth and her family after her day at the children's home. This year would be no different, just in a different location. Except that the evening had gone wrong. So horribly wrong.
She chose to walk instead of hailing a cab. Her driver was having dinner with his family and she dared not disturb him. Besides, she had hoped that the onslaught of the cold wind might sober her up a little bit from the dizzying amount of emotions she felt, but it was no use. She couldn't turn her brain off and, in turn, she couldn't freeze it out, either.
She'd had no idea how much of a burden she was on the people around her. She'd stayed so wrapped up in herself that she didn't see how she was affecting everyone else. She'd lied to the few friends she had, expected Eric to put his life on hold so she could fix her own train wreck of an existence. Travis hated her and it caused friction in Beth's relationship with him--the one person on this earth who deserved to be happy more than anyone else...and all Juliet could do was ruin it for her. She didn't know how to be anything else but a life-ruiner--be it her own or someone else's. It had always been her greatest talent, after all.
Maybe she should leave. She should leave New York altogether. Start over somewhere else. She loved Las Vegas when she went, she could see herself there. She certainly wouldn't take up residency in Miami for as long as she lived. But anywhere away from New York. Somewhere where she couldn't be in Eric's life and he could smile again. Somewhere where Beth could live happily ever after with Travis without her presence throwing a wrench in their relationship. Somewhere where Jason didn't have a friend that he had to hesitate to bring around his son. The more she thought about it, the more she realized how much happier her friends' lives would be if she weren't around. And maybe she could finally be happy knowing she wasn't burdening anyone else.
Except that her heart thumped in her chest as she found herself in front of Eric's building. Was this even on the route from Travis's penthouse to her own apartment? She remembered that Beth had said that Eric drove to dinner--had Juliet actually walked that far? Wow. It was amazing what a pair of sneakers could do every once in awhile. Juliet never wore sneakers, not unless she had good reason. Today was more than enough reason. Walking through the city was like walking on air tonight compared to most days in her stilettos. She had to take the small joys where she could get them.
She stopped and she stared up at the building. Eric would be happier without her...eventually. She knew this. But she also knew, in her heart of hearts, that she would be absolutely miserable without Eric. Hell, she was now. It was torture not sleeping in his arms every night, having breakfast with him in the morning, essentially living life with him. But he deserved better. Much better. And that was why she was committing to therapy in the morning.
Right now, though...she hadn't realized that she actually wanted somewhere to turn until she happened upon his building. She'd spent the entire walk wallowing in her self-pity, contemplating a potential change in address, only to realize that she couldn't bear not living around the block from Eric, whether he was in her life or not. And it was this realization that caused her to walk in and make her way up the elevator.
Once she'd reached the top, she wasn't sure why her hands trembled the way they did or why she felt so nervous, but part of her was convinced that she shouldn't be there. She shouldn't call him, she shouldn't contact him, she shouldn't see him...but she needed him like she needed air. And she hated herself for taking advantage of his generosity, but she knew she would find no comfort tonight like she would from him. And, so, she rang the bell and hugged her arms tightly around herself.
With each lock that unlocked his door, her nerves shot further and further, until finally the door opened and Juliet's heart melted at the sight of him. He had changed for bed, in nothing but bare feet, sweat pants, and a tee shirt, and his hair was lightly disheveled accompanied by a five o'clock shadow that made his blue eyes pop. Speaking of his eyes, they widened in surprise when he opened the door. "Jules," he breathed.
"Do you hate me?" She asked meekly.
He narrowed his eyes with concern and shook his head. "Hate you? I could never, why would I hate you?"
"I shouldn't be here."
He stepped aside to clear the way. "Come in here."
"This was...I'm sorry."
"Juliet," he said firmly. "Get in here."
She swallowed hard and her eyes cast downward as she moved swiftly past him. What was she supposed to do now? Why was she even here?
Her silence must have gotten Eric's attention because now he stood in front of her and he studied her. "Why would I hate you?" He asked again.
Her breath caught in her throat. "Because I dumped you," she nearly choked. "Because you had tickets to the theatre and I stood you up and because your holiday was miserable."
Now he narrowed his eyes in confusion. "What? My holiday was not miserable. Where is all this even coming from?"
"It's okay, you don't have to pretend," she said quietly. "I ruin everything I touch, you can be honest about it. Beth and Travis are fighting because--"
"Travis and Beth? You have got to start making some sense."
"Travis hates me," she whispered.
Eric shook his head slowly. "Um...no, he doesn't..."
Juliet nodded, her eyes falling. "Yes, he does. And it's fine. Really, it is. I get it, he has every reason to. If someone like me were treating Beth the way I treat you, I'd be as defensive of her. It's not--I mean, I get it. I just don't want Beth's relationship to suffer for it. You know? I don't want them to fight because I can't get my shit together. That's not fair to them."
"Jules," he said, leaning against the kitchen's island and crossing his arms over his chest. "What are you talking about?"
"Look, I didn't come here to be a nark or a tattletale or whatever," she said, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. "I just came here to make sure you're okay. Because I know that I'm a horrible person for breaking up with you and standing you up for dinner today, but in my defense, I had no idea we even had plans tonight--"
"Have you been talking to Beth?"
"I was over there. Anyway, I just want you to know that I--well, I've been doing some thinking and--"
But Eric was already fishing in his pocket for his cell phone. "I swear to God," he muttered. "I don't know what in the hell she's filling your head with but it stops now."
"No!" Juliet squealed, lunging for Eric's hands. "Don't do it! Please don't call! I've caused enough trouble as it is--!"
"Well now I'm causing trouble. You know, some friend you have there, Jules. Seriously--"
"It wasn't Beth!"
At that, Eric paused and lowered his phone as he stared back at her.
"Travis is the one who hates me," she continued. "Not Beth. In fact, Beth thinks you're practically perfect in every way. But Travis...he knows the truth. And maybe it was something I needed to hear."
Eric's nostrils flared. "And what, pray tell, is the supposed truth?"
"I'm no good for you, Eric."
"Oh, Jesus Christ!" He exploded, running his hand through his hair. "What the fuck does he even know, anyway? He doesn't know shit about you and me, Jules! How the hell can you take any stock in what he says?"
"Because he's your brother. And nobody knows you the way your brother does."
"Except you," he replied, taking several steps toward her. "Except you. There's only me and you here, nobody else. And we know each other, we know what's going on here. Don't we?"
"I just need to know that you're okay with things--"
"Of course I'm okay. I have to be okay. You need me. It's okay."
"I don't want to be needy."
"Babe, all life is, is being needy. We need to eat, we need to breathe, we need to wear pants, we need to vent to our soul mates. Humans need each other. Lovers need each other. It's what we do. Hell, honestly, I wish you were needier than you are. I want you to need me."
"But your family needs you, too."
"Fuck 'em," he spat.
"Eric!"
"That was--okay" he conceded. "Look, I'll deal with Travis, don't even worry about it. You're standing right here in front of me and I'm telling you that the guy is full of shit and I don't hate you. Got it? I mean, that's all that matters, right?"
Finally, she nodded as she fiddled with the zipper hanging from the bottom of her coat. Then she looked up at Eric shyly. "Do you, um...do you happen to have any cigarettes?"
He stared at her for a moment before he finally looked around the room guiltily. "Uh, yeah. Yeah, actually, I do."
"I'm sorry," she said quietly. "That's another one of those nasty influences I have, apparently."
"It's cool," he assured her. "I'm kinda like you, I only smoke on special occasions. I've had the same pack for awhile. Probably only smoked a couple of them."
Several minutes later, the pair sat across from each other on the floor in the living room, underneath a cracked window. They were wrapped in blankets and each double fisted a cigarette and a glass of red wine.
They smoked and sipped in silence for a moment before Juliet finally broke the ice quietly. "Eric? Have you ever thought about suicide?"
Eric lowered his cigarette and stared at her hard, his eyes boring into hers. Seconds later, however, his face relaxed and he took another drag as he looked out the window at the city lights. "Yeah," he confessed. "Couple times, actually."
"What happened?" She whispered.
Eric let out a breath. "I was bullied a lot in school, junior high especially. I was thirteen. It got really bad, a lot of the guys on the football team with Travis really had it out for me. I was--I was not Travis. I was his sniveling little geeky brother with glasses and my nose in a book. And those guys got off on it. Anyway, after a really bad day, I decided I'd had enough. So I went home, locked myself in the bathroom, and sat on the floor with a razor blade against my wrist." He paused to take a drag of his cigarette, exhaling slowly. "I must have sat there for hours. Nobody looked for me until dinner, when Travis finally picked the lock and let himself in. He told Mom that the both of us weren't feeling well and we were skipping dinner. And then he sat in the floor with me and talked me down. He never told our parents about it." Then he laughed. "The next day he got himself suspended from school and kicked off the team for the rest of the year because he went ape shit at practice, bloodying a few noses, cracking a rib or two...always been a wild card, that one."
Juliet glanced down at her wine glass, gently swirling the red liquid around in it. "Travis is a good brother."
"He's my best friend," Eric said quietly.
"I suppose no woman will ever be good enough for you, then, will they?"
"That's not really his call to make."
"What about the second time?"
"College. Everything was crashing down. I was flunking accounting--"
"You?"
Eric smiled sheepishly. "Yeah. It was a rough year. My first relationship ended because she said I wasn't giving her what she needed--though she never told me exactly what that entailed. In turn, my grades started slipping, they were threatening academic probation. From the other direction, my dad never let me forget how disappointed he was in me. Why couldn't I be more like Travis or Andy? Why couldn't I get my head out of the clouds and my ass in gear? Didn't matter that I spent all my free time studying. I didn't go to the parties or do any of the extra-curriculars. And maybe that was what ended my relationship, maybe I was boring. But I wanted to be something, you know? I wanted to be something my father would be proud of, something a woman couldn't live without, something...that I could be happy with myself for." Then he scoffed and turned up his glass. "Look at me now, though. Nothing ever really quite changes, does it?"
"Eric..."
"Anyway, I made a noose and hung it from the bar in my closet. And I sat there and I stared at it forever. And I stared and I thought about it. And I remembered the way Travis told me when we were thirteen that it wasn't worth it. That I do matter, no matter how differently I might feel about it. Then I remembered how he got himself in trouble and lost friends just because of me. And I didn't want to ruin his life by ending my own. It wasn't worth it. So I took the noose down, fixed my closet, and called Travis. He was in Malibu at the time and we made plans for me to visit on my next break from school. Best decision I ever made."
"I'm glad you never went through with it," Juliet replied. "I know I make your life hell...but you couldn't imagine how grateful I am for you. You changed my life with a ginger ale spritzer that I didn't even drink."
He chuckled and he shook his head, taking a drag of his cigarette. "Your turn."
She peered out the window and reached up to flick the ashes off her own cigarette. "Too many times to count. A child shouldn't ever have those thoughts and especially not as often as I did. Honestly, the only reason I never did it was because I was afraid it was gonna hurt. Believe it or not, I have a low tolerance for pain." She looked into Eric's eyes for a moment before she glanced down in shame. "I hadn't planned on coming here tonight. I was--I was actually having a lovely conversation with myself about how much better everyone's lives would be if I weren't around. You would be happier not having to put up with me--"
"That would quite literally kill me."
"No, it wouldn't. Beth and Travis could be happy together without me lurking in the shadows. Nobody would have to worry about inviting me to anything, no worries over whether I'd show up and be a humiliation because of the decisions I've made for myself. Admit it, Eric. You were happy before I came along."
Gruffly, Eric snuffed his cigarette out in the ashtray they shared, sat his glass down, and lunged forward, taking Juliet, blanket, cigarette, wine, and all, into his arms, and shamelessly crashed his lips into hers. She opened her mouth for him, inviting him in, not ever able to resist him and, for a few seconds, allowed his kiss to run rampant all over the nerves in her body.
He broke the kiss, however, his breath still hot on her face. "For the first time, my life found meaning when I met you. I'm not about to let that go. Wherever you go, I go, that's all there is to it. If you want to Romeo and Juliet your way out of this shit, I only ask that you let me go first. You got that?"
Suddenly, she burst out laughing and, subsequently, Eric followed suit. He had no idea what he was laughing at, but she supposed they both needed a healthy dose of the hysterics. When she was finally able to breathe, she wheezed out, "Why did my parents have to name me Juliet? School was hell because of that!"
Eric's laughter subsided to a smile. "Because you're beautiful. And Shakespeare's Juliet was so beautiful that Romeo married her less than twenty-four hours after meeting her."
"Yeah," she snorted. "And in that time she managed to make his life a living hell to the point of suicide. Maybe my parents were on to something."
"No," he shook his head. "You're too hard on yourself. You think to much into things to the point where you're psyching yourself out. That's why you stay stressed out. You need to take it easy once in awhile. And stop starting conversations with suicide questions."
She sighed and she smiled, glancing down at the way their blankets now molded together. "I don't want to off myself. If I do, it means they won. And I sure don't want to reunite with my husband in hell. No, I just...was thinking of places I could move to. Far away where I could start over and stop hurting people. But sometimes the thought of ending it all just provides a fleeting moment of peace, doesn't it? Knowing it would all be over?"
"Except that suicide is permanent. No do-over's. Your next life won't be the same. You'll never see the people you love again. The 'what might have been' will never be. Suicide affects everyone around you, not just you. It's selfish. You think that everyone will be happy without you, but imagine if you're gone. I know I'd lose all sense of hope--and sanity. And what about Beth? You two are practically two halves of a whole, and you'd leave her to run an entire company on her own? That isn't very fair. No," he paused to shake his head. "That's what kept me from doing it that last time. Thinking about Travis and the consequences. It's not worth it. There's always a way out, Jules. Always."
"I know."
"And you can forget about leaving Manhattan," he muttered, lighting himself a fresh cigarette. "Not gonna happen. You think I stalk you now? Just wait."
She narrowed her eyes and smiled. "You make that sound so creepy."
"Come on," he grinned. "You like it when I stalk you. If it were anyone else, it would be creepy." Then his cocky grin widened. "But I'm cute. And you like me."
Now her grin matched his. "Well. You do have a point there. You are irresistibly adorable in a boyish kind of way."
He turned up his lip. "That's it?"
"And irresistibly sexy in a manly kind of way," she finished wryly.
"That's better." Then he took a drag and picked his wine glass back up. "If I did allow you--us--to move, though...where would we go?"
"Well...I hadn't really intended on anyone else having any say in the matter."
He glanced directly into her eyes as he flicked his ashes out the window. "Wherever it is, I hope it'll be worth disappointing all those kids that you help out every year."
At that, Juliet swallowed the guilt hard, ashamed of herself for not taking them into consideration of her selfish dreams. She let out a quiet breath and stared down into her wine glass. "Beth said you saw me."
"And you were more beautiful than I've ever seen you," he replied softly. "Even more beautiful now."
She blushed. "Well, thank you, but--"
"Why didn't you ever tell me?"
Her eyes darted around. "Because I'm not--I'm not looking some prize or a pat on the back or anything. It's just...it's something that's important to me."
"I know how important it is to you," he whispered. "I completely understand it. If you had told me, though, I would have stood right there beside you. I would have been there today, too."
Suddenly, her eyes hardened against his. "If I had told you. If I were there. So if I wasn't involved, you wouldn't think twice about the place, is that what you're saying?"
"Well--well, no. I mean, in my defense, it's the first time I knew the place existed--"
"They're a dime a dozen, Eric. You could have volunteered your time a long time ago if it really meant that much to you."
"Jules. Juliet, come on. Calm down. We all gotta start somewhere, right? Cut me a little slack, here. Okay? Don't be so quick to judge me or jump down my throat. And for the record, I wrote a pretty hefty check at that Humane Society benefit and you didn't even know about it, so...I mean, don't write me off as heartless just yet."
Her expression softened as his blue eyes glistened against the low lamp light of his living room. They were warm and kind and sincere--and completely right. She shouldn't have jumped the gun so quick to judge him. She was being a complete hypocrite. "I'm sorry. You're right, I--I get defensive, I--"
"You're passionate," he sympathized. "That's all it is."
"Why are you--? Why are you so accepting of me? I bite your head off, I can't make up my mind, I can't...I can't do anything right, except...except you make me feel as if I can do no wrong. It's very confusing and I don't deserve half the respect you give to me."
"Because if you're not willing to see yourself for everything that you are, somebody has to," he replied matter-of-factly. "It is what it is. You're a good person, sorry to say. I mean, it's not your fault that a gorgeous, studly, sexy fox just happens to be the one who has your number, right?"
Juliet's mouth crept up into a smile that matched Eric's and she turned up her wine glass, finally draining it. "You think so highly of yourself, don't you?"
He shrugged boyishly. "I just feed off of the way I feel when I'm with you, that's all."
Her face fell and her expression turned serious again. "I'm starting therapy tomorrow. And I'm scared to death. I don't even know if I can handle it."
"It's tomorrow? After Thanksgiving?"
"I asked for the earliest opening possible. I want to get this started, I want...you, I want us, I want...I want to finally find out who I am, you know?"
"You know you have me regardless, don't you?"
"I know," she nodded. "But I just...want a fresh start. A Juliet who's actually dealing with her problems as opposed to dumping them all on you on the first night. That was no way to go about it, you know? And it's been hell for us ever since. Anyway, it's just...I have to tell the therapist everything. Revisit memories I've chosen to repress. Share things that I didn't even tell you, things, that...terrifying things, Eric. Shameful things. Am I--? Am I even going to survive this?"
"Yes," he said, reaching out and taking her hand. "Yes, because I'm going to be here and I won't let you crash and burn. I'm here to hold you up, I'm here for you to lean on. Okay? We're partners in crime, you and I. You lean on me, I lean on you, we're in this together. I mean it."
"Eric," she said quietly, squeezing his hand. "Regardless of everything, you're...you're my best friend. I mean, besides Beth, you're...on a different level. Is that--? Is that crazy to say? We've only known each other, what, a month? God, it feels like it's been so much longer."
"Jules, I've shared things with you that I've never shared with anyone else. I feel the same about you. I just want you to realize that I'm never going to go away. You'll never be alone, I promise. My door is always open. We can chain smoke and drink bottle after bottle wine until you're all talked out, doesn't matter. Always know that."
"You know, it's kinda funny when you think about it. Both of our best friends are dating each other. And we're both kind of...well, kind of the third wheel in their relationship. We're both having to share them now."
"Just one more thing we have in common."
"Eric," she whispered nervously. "I want...I want things with you that I told myself I wasn't ready for yet. I promised myself, and I promised you, that once I started getting help things would be different, but...but it doesn't keep me from feeling now. I probably shouldn't be telling you that, but..." Tears welled up in her eyes, her fear and her feelings for Eric finally bubbling to the surface at the same time. "The only safety I've ever felt is in your arms. I know you think I'm jerking you around, but I don't know what else to do--"
"Jules," he whispered, relinquishing his smoke and drink once again. This time, however, he stood up and shed his blanket, bent over, and scooped her with ease off the floor. "Come here."
He carried her to the couch in his dark living room and he sat there, cradling her tightly in his arms. She should have been ashamed of herself for letting this happen. For giving in to her needs and her wants and allowing him to comfort her the way he did. What was he thinking? Was she getting his hopes up only to let him down again? Should she even be allowing this to happen? She couldn't help herself, though. She couldn't resist. He was strong and he was warm and he smelled of the familiar scent of clean eucalyptus that she'd grown to adore over the past month. She nestled her nose against his shoulder and heaved a contented sigh. The one thing she did know, though, was she wouldn't have traded this moment or this feeling for the world. He was everything she ever needed. She prayed that therapy would make it okay for her to need him completely.